Lost

I just feel lost. I miss my hubby and haven't been able to talk to him for several days now. I Lon for that part of every day. The brigade had their first loss this week so it's rumored that they are on a black out, but hopefully that is over now and I will hear from him tonight. Then there is Abbie. She is such a good baby I don't know if she is ok. She got a sunburn on Friday and has just been sleepy since. Then yesterday she was passed around at the baby shower so she was over stimulated. She hasn't been fussy just nursing less and sleeping more. Do I take her in just cause she is good and I don't know how to parent that? Lol. I have no real friends here as I learned last week so no one but me ever sees Abbie every day and no one else ever cares for her. I just am at a loss and I am in an emotional state cause I miss Tony. I just feel lost here all by myself. The kids aren't listening to me and I don't have help. I am working on more friends, but I just want to stay home and cuddle my princess. I just don't know if she is broken or not. I just keep praying for the knowledge to know and healing for Abbie's sunburn and anything else that may be wrong with her.

7 weeks old

Abbie is now 7 weeks old and she is getting so big. Today I put on a 3 month sleeper on her and she fills that out. She is still an excellent baby. She is sleeping a good 6-9 hour stretch at night and then every 2-3 until we get up. I can't decide if she's just that good or if it's because she's a girl. I must say if she wasn't so good I would be an absolute mess since the only time I get to put her down is when she sleeps. She loves to be held as do most babies. She usually just fusses a bit when she wants something not a full fledged cry. However she is up from her nap now and would like to eat so maybe I'll make it back later to update on the boys.

So flipping bored

I'm so bored. I've cleaned, played with the kids, watched tv, played on my phone, washed my car, fed the baby, changed the baby, got puked on by the baby. But I'm still so bored and missing adult interaction. This next 8 1/2 months is going to suck if I am this bored everyday. I just want my husband back and for us to be bored together. lol
And just like my last blog post all these little things going wrong. I feel like it's the devils way of trying to break me, but I'm still hanging on buddy. Yesterday the car wouldn't start. We know it's time almost for a new battery, but had been putting it off. I guess it is time for me to figure how to replace the car battery. I know it's not hard, but not what I wanted to do with my bored time. ;) Today when we went to get in the van the one door wouldn't open automatically. We checked the track and made sure there was nothing in the way, but it still would only open by hand. Which wouldn't be a problem normally, but that is the door that already has a broken lock.
I am slightly upset at myself because the kids wanted to do something nice for me today by cleaning my van since it didn't get cleaned yesterday at the church car wash. I told them they could do it today since it was supposed to be very warm. However I didn't feel like doing it, but I can't just turn them lose to do it themselves. So I ended up outside cleaning my car. Happy mother's day to myself.
I am thankful that Abbie is starting to take a passy. I am thankful that today Zander sat like a very nice little boy at church so we were able to sit through the sermon. I am thankful that my 3 big boys have good hearts and want to do things for me.
Days like today make me wish I was closer to home so I could hang out with my mom or sister.

I wasn't ready.

For this deployment. I feel like so many little things are going wrong that Tony usually takes care of for me or is at least around to help me with. Most of it is petty small stuff and so far God has answered all my prayers. However right now Abbie has the cold the boys had when Tony left and I am worried about her. While I think she will be fine the more I research the more I worry. I am praying for her and keeping a close eye on her. Tonight she and I took a bath and sat in the steam and since then she hasn't coughed. She isn't fussy and is quite pleasant. Peeing and pooping and eating like normal. However since we still don't have a birth certificate (another frustrating story) I can't just make the baby a dr appt. I have to take her to urgent care or the ER. I am going to take her either way just so that we don't have to take her over the weekend. I really think this is a waiting game as it took the boys about 8-10 days to run its course. I just need my husband. I wasnt ready for him to leave me. I can't say I ever would be. I feel like I am juggling and I have more balls than I can keep in the air. And I just don't have the support system I had last deployment and much more responsibility than last time. I just want a smooth deployment on this end and his as well. I really feel like my faith is being tested and I know I rely on God more when Tony is gone. So far God is rocking this for me if he could just heal my baby girl. Nothing else matters to me but my kids and I just want to be able to cuddle and love all 5 of them at the same time. While I am just one person all I want to do is be surrounded by my kids having fun and making positive memories to get through until daddy is back.

I survived week 1

only 37 1/2 left before he comes home. :)
I feel like it's been a good week. Kids have been ok, I've been ok, house is good. However it has been a bit difficult. Starting the week 2 boys had coughs, finishing the week 3 do. Zander and has had it pretty rough but I think he is teething in addition to the cold and runny nose. Zavier puked one day this week but was most likely caused by coughing. However he was nice enough to do it in the car. As I love puke in my car. I made it to bible study on Wednesday but I don't even feel like I was really there because I spent all my time quieting Abbie and Zander.
Today is Tony's 27th birthday and he is again spending another birthday away. I miss him and I wish I could celebrate his birthday with him. However when he is home we never have anyone to keep the kids so we still don't do anything. But he and I both know we'll get our time together as a couple when our kids are grown or almost grown and he's able to retire in 12 years. ;)
This week also marked 8 years he's been in the military. He left Zachary and I on 4/28/04 to go to basic at Ft. Sill. It will be nice to see the whole month reflected on the May pay check. He has worked super hard in his military career to get us where we are and he is today.
The hardest thing with him gone is I miss my best friend. We didn't start out that way, but we are now. I don't text him all the time at work, but I did get to text him pics when the kids were doing something cute and about once a week he would wake me up with an "I love you" text. Those are the things I miss most. I do have a friend that is filling in slightly but without the "I love you" text. However I don't want to bother her too much and sometimes I feel like I'm just bragging when I text pics of Abbie. I'm not, but I do certainly adore that little princess. ;)

tandem nursing

I have wanted to tandem nurse since I started having kids, but the opportunity didn't work out when I had my 2 close together in 05/06 because my 05 baby quit nursing before I was ready. My 20 month old quit when I was about 15 weeks and the milk ran out, but after a few days picked back up nursing or at least suckling once a day. Then when the colostrum came in he was all over that at about 27 weeks. People kept saying that I should wean him, but I didn't and I have been so glad about that over the last month. Baby was born on the first and by the time she was 8 hours old I had done my first tandem feed (since she was born at midnight. ;). 
My toddler has been so helpful in keeping my boobs from being overfull as I am an over producer. He nurses 1-3 times a day and fusses when I pump instead of nurse him. While I still choke and gag the baby with over-active let down, I must say she is handling it very well as compared to the other kids. I would let the others nurse to help empty my boob and as they had the desire to suck still and then they would spit up a ton. Having a toddler to empty my milk once or twice a day has made this a very easy transition. 
So I just wanted to say how much I am loving tandem nursing the two little ones and I love that it seems so normal and comfortable. And because I still overproduce milk I hope to donate the frozen breast milk to a baby needing some. I have about 50 oz frozen even after nursing 2. ;)

Gone

Well we left Tony on post this afternoon for him to head off to Afghanistan. He had to work this morning so I got the kids ready and we waited for him to come home. Then we hung out for about 45 minutes before loading everyone up to go get the "last meal". Tony wanted Wendy's so we had to go all the way to Lakewood since we had to take him to post at noon. When we got there they formed up and accounted for all those leaving today. I must say how sexy I find it when he's one of the soldiers walking around on the outside of the formation instead of in the formation like in the past. ;)
After that they had weapons draw and then were released until 1500. Being that it was only noon and we hadn't planned to be there long I opted for the kids and I to go ahead a leave him there and go home. I had wanted to see him get on the bus, but since he couldn't leave the area to go far there would have been nothing to do but either sit in the car or wander around outside in the cold. Tony let each of the boys hold his weapon and then we did the sad goodbye ritual. He hugged and kissed each of the kids before we loaded them into the car. Then we let Zachary take pics of us as we said our "goodbyes". He then teased me as my eyes teared up because I told him I wouldn't cry when I left him. However I have turned much more girly during my last pregnancy than in the past. However I just gave him a smile and I left him. He had already given up his phone's sim card so I can't call or text him. He can contact me through skype with wi-fi eventually.
I then drove the 30 minutes that seemed like forever home. I felt trapped in the car. We went over what Daddy's next steps were in getting to where he's going, but other than that the kids were quiet in the car on the way home. Once we got home I got back to my role of doing laundry and feeding Abbie.