Just keep trying...

I'm reading the new Duggar book and I am enjoying reading it. It is so encouraging and positive to read. I love large families and I love that they are sharing the dynamics of theirs and how they make it look like it's running so smooth. While I'm sure they have moment when there house isn't running smooth or there house is over run my mess and total chaos, they make it look so easy on TV. I've been trying to use her not yelling idea and to speak to my kids in a soft tone. To work on my patients when speaking and dealing with the kids, but mine seem to have no idea how to listen to a person talk in a normal voice.
I attempted this with all the boys last night and while I was able to do it with the younger 3, Zachary wasn't having it. He was going to disobey over and over to see how far I would go. I must say I made it through without hurting him but he did have to have several timeouts to make it through. I am going to work on behavior jars this week and hope that we can keep up with them enough to cut out some of the yelling and fighting it takes to get the boys to obey.
I didn't do so well with Zavier today as he has already been in time out 3 times today. While I don't mind putting them in timeout, Zavier won't even stand appropriately and so when I'm trying not to spank or yell that make it very difficult.
 Zander isn't doing well either, because no matter how busy I keep him he still finds time to get in trouble. Then Zavier gets in trouble for hurting Zander for being a toddler and it's just a not pretty cycle. For the moment Zander is on my lap combing his hair and Zavier is watching TV peacefully for a few minutes.
And my attitude was so excited this morning.

I woke up in a good mood and everyone did most of what they were asked without many reminders and then it started.

Tony's parents sent a card for Zavier's birthday, a walmart gift card and a "family" check for Christmas. It came the day Tony was  sleeping after working a 24 hour shift and so as to not get in a fight about it, I had held off on talking about it. While there isn't much to talk about overall, I don't want the check. We are doing so well financially right now and are headed into an even better place in the next 30 days, we just don't need it. We're going to be completely debt free in less than 40 days and I want to do it on our own since we worked so hard paying off the van in Feb of last year. I don't know his parents financial situation and it isn't my business, but I know we're not in need. Well this morning as we were texting about the gift card since we buy all cash and gift cards from our kids and put the money into their savings. I was just making sure he didn't want the card for anything in particular cause I was needing a few items from walmart.
However this morning when I went to the car, I noticed that the envelope from the ILS was misplaced slightly from the last time I saw it. No one else drives my car and my kids don't mess with stuff in the front seat. They are in such a hurry to get out of the car that they barely remember their own stuff. I picked up the envelope and looked inside the huge hole that the post office tore in the envelope and the check had magically disappeared. Gift card was still there as was the card from the envelope.
I can only assume that Tony took it and while it is his. I don't want it and I don't want the money spent by us. He doesn't need it and he ruins all that I wanted to do for him when we get to be debt free next month. I am heavily considering not buying him the laptop he needs to deploy and turning into a super bitch over this. I am tired of him doing this shit behind my back and treating me like a fucking idiot. The whole I didn't take it, did you look on the seat, etc...it's all bull shit.
 I was so happy with him today and for the last few weeks. We've been communicating well and working well together and now it's not the same. I'm not sure what he is claiming happened to the fucking check, but it didn't walk away and I never even took it out of the envelope. I hope he enjoys letting this stupid fucking money ruin what was going so well, because I don't by the bull shit that it just up and walked away.
It is things like this that keep me from wanting any relationship with his family for me and the kids. He acts like a little fucking child whenever anything to do with them comes up and it is highly unattractive at all. While he has being the man down in most situations in our lives he can't get over the "money gifts" from mommy.
So I guess I should be careful of people breaking in my car now to steal a check and leave a gift card. Seems logical.

Bonding with an unknown

I feel so weird trying to bond with this baby. I know she is in there, but I have no idea what it is like to have a girl. Will she be just like her brothers? Will she be girly or just another "boy" at our house? I also don't feel 100% on her name so while I do call her by her name, I'm just not sure that is her name. What if it's not her name? Tony is sure that is what her name is and he just keeps pushing it on me. While I like the name and can't think of another one to call her or give her I'm just not sure of her name. I do know that we won't be sharing her name until she is born and then I can see her and be sure that is her name. You know maybe she'll be born with a birth certificate like a cabbage patch baby. Even though the cabbage patch kids name suck.
She is a very active little bean and is always moving in such circles. At 26 weeks she has about 2-3 active periods a day where she just kicks, moves and squirms. She is big enough now that my belly jumps as she moves around and Tony, Zayden and Zavier have all got to feel her on the outside. Zachary wasn't interested when the others got to feel and Zander is still quite oblivious to the baby. I do talk with Zander all the time about his sister. I don't bother her in my belly like I did with the boys. I used to poke at them to get them to move and with her I don't bother her. She is so good at being so active during the day that I don't feel like I have to. I can usually pin point her last active session so I worry less.
Yesterday baby and I had our glucose test, so hopefully that will come back alright. She didn't over react to the drink like some babies do. She did wake up about half way through rearranged herself and then seemed to go back being still.
I have moments that I'm sad that she is the last. However there is no guarantee she'll be the last, but I'm ok being done now. Our car is full and we'll probably have to upgrade in a year or so anyway so that I don't have to risk safety to fit everyone in the car.

It's a...

Girl. We finally told the kids this morning for Christmas. We wrapped a big box full of girly balloons. They opened it and were happy to see that it was a girl except Zavier. Zavier said "I don't like girls" lol. He's so funny.

While my fun is always ruined by something I have enjoyed so much watching the boys have Christmas this morning. Last night we went to Church and then came home bathed the kids and put them in bed. Everyone slept until 7:15 when Zander was the first one up. Followed by Zayden a few minutes later. Finally at 7:55 on my way down to put breakfast in the over I woke the remaining to sleeping boys. At first Zavier didn't want to get up because it was "too sunny" no sun just bedroom light. Tony got everyone into their Christmas jammies and changed Zander before they headed down stairs. Stefanie and mom got to skype with us while the kids opened their presents.
Zachary got a kindle, 2 transformers, jeans and a jacket, a bike helmet, a kreo and a stocking full of stuff from Santa. He got legos, pillow pet, money and other things he doesn't seem to remember. lol
Zayden got a paper jamz guitar, bike, 2 transformers, bath stuff, and a stocking full of stuff from Santa. He got  the same as Zachary from everyone else.
Zavier got a bike, Evil Dr. Porkchop space ship, 2 transformers, bath stuff and a stocking full of stuff from Santa. He got a color wonder set, pillow pet and money from others.
Zander got a little tykes riding truck, bath toys, push and go car, slippers, a pop up toy and a stocking full of stuff from Santa. He then got a toy puppy, pillow pet, matchbox cars, and money from others.
Tony got some video game and a stocking full of stuff from Santa. He also got a book, money, and girl scout cookies from others.
I got slippers/shoes and a stocking full of stuff from Santa. I also got a candle, toe socks, soup mix, sunglasses, a scarf, a book and money from others.
I am most enthused with what Zander's perception of today must be. He got up put on different pj's and came down stairs to a dining room full of toys. He then has been allowed to play with the freely and ride is car around the house.

WIC

I know I should appreciate the fact that we get WIC, but I'm so over it. I went today after being there in Aug, Sept, and Oct again for a weight check for ME. I understand they have guidelines, but encouraging a person who is considered obese on all charts and scales to gain weight just because they are pregnant doesn't seem like a healthy idea. I should have lied to them when they asked my pre-pregnancy weight to avoid this whole situation, but didn't know it would lead to this. I have to go back again next month to see a nutritionist because of my lack of weight gain. I figured that when I went today I would be ok since I was back to pre-pregnancy weight, but nope. I absolutely will NOT strive to gain weight to get them off my back. I guess I'll go back one more time and then after that just put my WIC off until baby is born since I refuse to fight for an appt I can make and the 30 minute drive each way. While I appreciate it,   I don't like being told to gain weight. I'm not even close to where they think I need to be. My BMI before I got pregnant was 31.9 now I weigh the same just have a whole lb and growing baby.
I guess it also bothers me because they are not medical drs, and healthy mom with no weight gain and healthy baby are absolutely acceptable to any dr. I gained 25lbs, 15lbs, 12lbs and 18lbs in that order with the other kids so no weight gain at 23 weeks is absolutely normal for me.

Thanksgiving

What a great day we had yesterday and then today. Tony made it home about 8pm last night and the kids were just crazy excited to go pick him up. Zander is head over heals for his daddy. At first Zander wouldn't go to Tony, but when we came in the house and Tony was still in the garage Zander went back to find his daddy. Then we ate some dinner and I took the boys up to get ready for bath and Tony was in the bathroom. Zander wouldn't come up for his bath until he checked on his daddy. Then today he sat down in Tony's lap and fell asleep watching football.
Today we had a slow morning as we were in no hurry to have our Thanksgiving meal. I got up made breakfast casserole and then started on dinner preparations slowly. The boys helped here and there, but I prepped slowly to keep from overworking myself. We ate a little after 4 and it was very good.
Tonight we waited up so we could hit the sales at walmart. We were after a few things, but got out with everything but one thing. I did finally get myself a deep freeze that I have been wanting for quite sometime. Grabbed the boys some jammies for Christmas and a few toys and Tony and I got the heck out of there. We had a baby sitter for the boys. Came home grabbed a few online deals for Christmas to finish out the boys santa presents. And now I'm happy to say everyone is done for Christmas. Just need to grab stocking stuffers and something else for Zavier's birthday.
Now to continue relaxing and enjoying having Tony home for the next 3 days. I just hope he can pull his attitude stick out of his butt so I don't have to keep fighting with him.

Hopefully only 8 more days 9 tops...

until Tony comes home and I run away. Nobody is freaking listening to me. I have to yell all the time and I still get no where. I feel like I have too many kids, but I also feel like I can handle my large family when I have my husband around. He at least offers me a little support even if it's only him spending time with me. I really do like the alone time I have when he's gone, but I'm so done with it this time. I'll take him back now.
Zachary has just become super annoying. He babbles nonsense all the time and won't just stop talking. Goodness sakes he is 9 when I tell him to stop talking can he please just shut up? He does seem to be the only one doing ok in school as far as I can tell. Parent teacher conferences are tomorrow so I guess I'll find out for sure.
Zayden has been an extra loaded handful this time since Tony left, but also for several months. He seems to try some days and others he just fights me on every single direction/rule he is given. I'm not sure that Tony coming home will fix him, but we'll see.
Zavier on the other hand can't seem to keep his hands off others at school. I did fill his teacher in today that Daddy has been gone for a few weeks so it's starting to wear on all of us.
Zander has had 2 starbursts with wrappers today in addition to the 2 he had without wrappers. That is the just the example of Zander being a naughty toddler.
I know I always count on Tony to be my saving grace and while he is some he is certainly not the answer to the household that is over run by destructive and out of control little boys.
One day at a time, one day at a time is the only way we are making this. How am I going to do a deployment next year? I was in such a better place for the last one that looking back I truly had a good time while he was gone. I missed him terribly, but I was able to have plenty of friends in the same boat and lots to do. I just don't have that here at all. I have one friend that I see usually once a week and that is it. I have been going to a church here and am loving it for the boys I haven't found personal friendships to take outside church. I really do hate it here, but I have no where else I want to go right now so I'm sadly hoping that the next 18 months breeze by. I hate wishing for time to go faster though because the more time that passes the more my little ones grow to be big ones and it will only be a matter of time before they're gone. However after today I'd love for them to be grown and out of the house, but that probably won't last long. lol Praying that God gives me a little glimpse of his plan to hold on to until things ever return to normal here. Saying that though, what's normal? I have loved these 2 years that Tony has been home for the most part with no deployments. While he has done 3 30 day training's and a few smaller ones this is the most he's been home since we were married and he joined the army in 2004.

A long time

it's been a long time coming, but I knew it would. I haven't blogged since August because I like to say whatever I want and since I was keeping a secret from people I chose not to blog. However now that I've shared my wonderful secret I need to blog cause I don't know what to do with all the thoughts going on in my head. And well blogging is easier than therapy.
So the big secret...  baby number 5 is coming in April. While I was almost instantly excited all the nay-sayers really bring down ones joy and excitement about a new baby. I am now 18 weeks tomorrow and am very excited to get through this last pregnancy. I really wanted to blog the whole thing because it has certainly been a crazy emotion filled ride so far that I wanted to remember everything about this one. The biggest difference with this one so far is the amount of time I have spent sick. I can't remember how much time I spent sick with Zander,  but I am pretty sure it wasn't this long and his was quite tolerable. I nearly went days with almost no food, because any food made me feel sick. I even went as far as to get prescription meds for nausea this time. I lost some weight and last check I hadn't gained any back, but at least now I eat. I still eat too much or the wrong thing and then feel sick for many hours afterwards. Even tonight I feel sick and all I ate was a corned beef sandwich 3 1/2 hours ago. And it's given me an edge of heart burn.
While not suffering I do get really excited about this baby. While not sure how I'm going to handle having 5 kids by myself since Tony will deploy within the same time frame as the baby is due. I just feel unsettled here. I don't really like the house and I can't keep up with it. I just need to declutter, but I don't seem to know how. where do you put things you might need later? I know I probably don't need all the things I think I do, but I do try to throw stuff out occasionally.
I'm also really worried about being out here all the way away from family while Tony is gone. I know I was further in Germany, but I had tons of friends there. I could always find someone to do something with, but out here I haven't been able to find that. I have a few people I know and a few friends, but everyone here is so busy because of the difference in lifestyle compared to those in Germany who didn't have as much going on.
I miss my hubby right now while he's away at NTC. I do enjoy the quiet time I have in the evening after the kids are in bed. Not that he ever doesn't let me do what I want, but it's just different. The house does stay a bit more picked up, but not much.
Our ultrasound for the baby isn't until Dec 2nd. So I have until then to decide if I want to know the sex or not. I would really love to wait, but I think the anxiety just might eat me alive if I don't go ahead and find out.

Almost forgot...