Merry Christmas to all.

What a wonderful this year has been for my family. We were basically able to spend the whole 12 months together, other than the 6 weeks I traveled to the states before Tony. We started the year having just welcomed Tony home from 12 months in Iraq. Near the end of January we got to see our little belly baby. He was there and growing. We had follow ups checking on the little bean in Feb and March finding out and the end that he was our fourth little man. We excitedly announced our blessing on April 1st.
In April we enjoyed the company of my mom and sister to visit us in Germany. We were able to take the kids to Disneyland in Paris, the Eiffel tower, Le Arc de Triomphe in Paris. Looking through the pics today while looking for another picture made me realize how blessed we have been this year. Our Paris trip was expensive, but so worth it for the memories the boys made from being there. A chance that many don't have.
May quickly passed. Which brought June in which on the 2nd we got our orders to Ft. Lewis Washington. We quickly decided we didn't want to pass them up and the kids and I flew out 18 days later so that the traveling could be during a safe point in my pregnancy. We visited in MO and got things together for our move out to Washington. We were blessed to find our house to rent.
Come August Tony joined us up here in the northwest and just 9 days later we were blessed with our little man Zander. We enjoyed the time Tony had off just being together and without TV we worked hard keeping ourselves entertained.
September was excitedly welcomed as Zachary started 2nd grade and Zayden started Kindergarten. Zavier, Zander and I fell into the daily routine of walking them home from school everyday and Zander very much enjoyed being in his wrap against me.
October quickly passed all the while my little boys were growing bigger and bigger. In November Zachary turned 8 and has taken on even more responsibilities here are home being the big brother to three. He has enough friends that he had a wonderful party. Enjoyed a wonderful Thanksgiving here at the house as a family.
Then came December where Zavier had his big number 4 birthday. He had an awesome party with a joint kick off to Christmas break from school for the boys. The other exciting thing in Dec was Tony's long awaited promotion to SGT. He's been promotable for about 2 1/2 years and joining this unit has really worked out for him. Although getting this promotion moved him within the unit and he wasn't excited about that, but it will be ok.
Today the 19th we finally got the tree up and I was just thinking about how blessed we have been this year. Even if it hasn't been financially just as a family. We had a healthy pregnancy and a healthy baby and Tony has been able to be here everyday with him. I am hoping that we get as much family and together time in the next two weeks. January will start the rest of the school year plus Tony has two 3 day field exercises.
So to each and everyone that may read this may the true meaning of Christmas be remembered and each of you be blessed this upcoming year.

Outsourcing

Goodness is that horribly annoying. It is so hard to order a product that I'm going to have to pay for with someone whose first language isn't English. And when they are just have an online chat and they can't get the English down it's crazy. Yes they have the copy and pasting down, but sometimes my questions need more of an answer than the one you gave me before. I could have been in bed an hour ago, but I decided to go ahead and sign us up for the phone/tv/internet package that is advertised for $99/month since we're already paying $49/month just for internet, but after they tack on all the fees they need to add and of course tax it isn't really that close to $99/month in my opinion $113.95+tax/month. Oh well. Tony just wants to watch football and I figured I should just give in. And I would love to be able to watch some tv again. It's been almost 2 1/2 years. lol Oh well off to bed I go, now that I am done talking to "Manuel".

I feel like I'm drowning...

but the last few days I think I've made it to the edge of the pool and got my head above water. I hate all the debt that we took on to make this move here, but we can't change what we have already done. However with diligent money moves we should be able to climb completely out of debt in about 18 months. That is going to be my goal. Tony wants out as much as I do, it is just easier for him since I am the one that has to do it. He makes the money, but he wouldn't know where to put it. If he could get his promotion this month that would totally speed this along and make me feel more comfortable about it. Also if we could get these two Christmas program benefits that would make things so much easier. I'm just keeping it in prayer that whatever God has in store for us he shows me a little so that I can relax and enjoy life.
Debt total about $27900.

I miss my friends...

from Schweinfurt. I haven't gotten over what I feel is a big loss. I was so ready to leave and we're in a better place for us as a family, but gosh I miss my friends. There was a relationship with my friends I've never had while our husbands were gone. We were all each other had and we did what we had to do to survive. I miss my friends, Denise, Trisha, Gina, Holly, Beth, Angelina. There was always a friend around because we were all in such a small community. The kids had a playmate nearby all the time and I miss that. Denise had her baby yesterday, my friend that I went with when she found out the sex (as I called it when I saw it). I just miss the close knit community and most likely won't have that again on a stateside post. Even though the deployment was rough, my friends made it tolerable. I will always miss all the close friends I made in my 2 years in Germany.

2 months

Little man will be 2 months old tomorrow. Where has the time gone? I like where we are at right now. We are settled in finally and the kids are settled and seem more relaxed. Still have somethings to be sorted and put away and lots to throw away, but can only do a little at a time. However I did get several things thrown out/recycled with todays trash so that helped a little. I finally decided to order a new phone after parts of my phone not working after it's swimming incident.

Zachary is having a good time in school. I do have some issues with all the references he says about bullies. He also said to me yesterday that he has to calm some boy down some days so that the boy doesn't kill someone. Is this really how it is in 2nd grade? My kids aren't underexposed to adult situations by any means, but I feel like this takes it a little too far. I will ask him about it again, because I like to see how or if any anything changes from one talk about it to the next. I haven't stepped in with the bullying that he was dealing with from some kids (the bullies) to Zachary's friend, as it seemed to settle down on its own, but I don't want Zachary to feel it's his place to help little murder wantabes. I am pretty sure it's just talk, but that is a lot of pressure to put on a 7 year old. However I have learned in this year that Zachary may end up wanting to be a psychologist. ;)

Zayden is good. He just has more homework than I would like for a Kindergartner. Daily reading, a homework packet and a reading packet is too much IMHO. Tony tries to help, but when he gets home there just isn't time usually. I think he is doing well trying to make friends however he is content playing and doing alone.

Zavier and I have started doing some more activities for just him while the big boys are at school. It is the first time he gets to be in charge of activities since usually he's 3rd in line to pick. lol However lately when I'm dealing with Zander or other household chores he's made some bad choices, ex. coloring on the wall with permanent marker, and using adult scissors.

Zander went through a growth spurt last week where I'm pretty sure we nursed for almost 6 hours straight. He goes to the dr. tomorrow so we'll see just how big he is. He is already getting too long for his 3 month clothes so I've washed what 6 month stuff I have. I'm not surprised by how fast he's growing as he fits right in with his brothers, but a little slower would be ok.

Stefanie left on Sunday after staying with us for 10 days. I hope she enjoyed her visit. We went to the Zoo and Puget Sound, then to the Space needle and Seattle Children's museum, with just daily stuff during the week.

Well I'm off to work on my body and get this weight off. I'm back to my pre-pregnancy weight, but I would like a lot more off.

First night on my own

Trying to get everyone home and in bed while Tony pulls CQ tonight. After school is always rough or anytime Zander wants to be held since I can't get as much done while holding him. I've taken to wearing him in the moby or my lucky sling, but unpacking is challenging with him on my chest. However he has been such a good baby the last 2 days and slept almost all day in the swing only getting up to eat every 4 hours. I don't like to put him off, but getting back to this baby thing is more different than I thought. To make up for it though I sit and hold him in the evenings. The goal is just to get through their folders and get their reading done. We got that done after school and they catch an episode of something on netflix. Then tonight we got a few more boxes unpacked and headed to meet up with Tony for dinner. Got there and ate dinner where all the boys were exceptionally well behaved.
Now getting home was a different story. Zander was hungry and I was trying to get everyone in and get undressed so I could start laundry before I went upstairs. They did and came upstairs. The problems arose when I needed to go to the bathroom and get some of my shirts off to nurse Zander. Zachary tries to hold him and make him happy, but that doesn't work often. lol I had told the boys they could watch one episode of tv if they all got ready without me yelling at them. They did pretty well so they got to watch one episode of Arthur. I nursed Zander while they watched TV. When I said go get in bed they all did as asked and I think I only yelled at them once to be quiet. Then they were out. Zander again got upset when I went to the bathroom again, but he finally passed out in the bed next to me. Just got to go put him in bed.
Not to bad, can't get much done in the house when the baby is awake and these boxes are driving me nuts. I did manage to get 5 done today even though I was sick and slept for 3 hours this morning. Yesterday knocked out 10 and 10 loads of laundry and got Zavier's room completely done. There is just not enough hours in my day at this point.

Bulbs?

Really that is as good as a fundraiser the booster club could come up with? I guess I'll get one, may have to get two if it ends up being Zayden's fundraiser also. And the prizes for selling stuff suck. The prize is a stupid smencil. What is a smencil you ask? A scented pencil. Why would I want to buy a bunch of flower bulbs when I could just buy the kids a pencil or smencil?

Zayden pitched a fit about doing his reading homework today. He hates homework. I asked him if he wanted me to just tell his teacher that and he finally sat down to suffer through listening to me read to him for 15 mins.

I'm still trying to find sports/activities for the kids to get into, but at 35/45 per kid it will be expensive. The cost I can swing if I can just find the activities. There is basketball offered, but not until 2nd grade, so Zachary could play but not the other 2.

I wanted to go to the fair today as military get in free and it's $2 ride/food day, but Tony didn't seem to really want to go and the boys didn't seem excited to go so instead we just came home. I still want to go to the Mercy Me concert at the fair next thursday, but I would be going with one of the kids. Not that I don't want to take one of the kids I know they would have fun.

I think I need to start getting the house ready for the household goods. There isn't much to clean, but I think I should do some. It will be so different when the only furniture in the house isn't upstairs in my room. I would like to clean the carpets, but I would need my carpet cleaner ;).

Seriously

Could this get any worse. Today my phone got a good fucking washing in the washing machine. Doesn't work yet, but enough to call Tony. I just don't get why this stupid shit keeps happening. We got our car on Thursday and again like shipping it to Germany it had damage. But what else do you do besides take the fucking check that is offered, suck it up and move on. It's not enough damage to actually go fix it just like last time, but every time I turn around something is happening to that van. I do want to go in and get the dent pulled out where someone hit it just days after Tony came back from Iraq, but that cost money. Money we don't have because again we just have to bend over and let the Army fuck us again. They are still fighting about paying for the kids and my flight back to the states, but were they going to help me get the fuck out before I medically couldn't fly anymore? NOPE. Whatever I'm over it I'll just accept that we will always be broke and because of that I won't get any more kids that I may want later in life because Tony doesn't like being broke all the time.
This move has just sucked since we still don't have beds or furniture. The kids have just about had all they can take. However it should be here by next monday and if Tony will get me the number to the transportation office I will be getting my stuff by monday.
The bigger boys did start school this past week. Zachary had a great first day, but wasn't so excited on day 2. Zayden seemed to like kindergarten. I guess the school is ok, but it has a horrible pick up policy. You have to wait for the kids and sign them out with all the other parents that are picking up. It is a mess and I have yet to find an easy way for it to go. There has been much more going on, but I'm done bitching for this moment.

And should I add that the airbed has holes in it and new ones pop up almost daily. Tony has taken to sleep on the futon, cause I have to sleep on the air bed so I have room to nurse at night. Do you know how mad it makes a person to wake up closer to the floor than they went to sleep? Some mornings I am all the way on the floor. I think from now on we'll be doing DITY moves.

I do it to myself...

That is drive myself crazy. I can't ever just make a simple decision no matter what. I'm even worse when it comes to spending money. I rationalize with myself that it's ok and then later get pissed because we owe more than I would like on debts. However the army did a really good job helping us into this corner where we now have debt other than our car again. Sending us overseas without the correct paperwork has been expensive seriously. I know they want you pay for things up front, but why can't they front the freaking cost? If they pay for our plane tickets the army owes us about $4000 or more for this freaking move. When Tony goes to sign in the process will begin for some reimbursements, but still this sucks not knowing.

Tony is also unhelpful when trying to make decisions. He won't ever help me rationalize the correct choice and instead decides he just wants to argue with me. I feel like I have to make every decision, because his response to everything is I don't care. Well could you care a little bit and make this easier for me? Then he'll get stuck on something and be inflexible about options. I hate this silence that comes with it. Stop playing the dang facebook games and discuss this with me. Whatever I know it's probably the wrong choice as most choices I make are wrong.

Oh well I passed this on to Tony so he can decide and do something about it. Now lets talk about my handsome princes.

Zander is so far still an excellent baby. Beginning to prefer mommy to hold him all the time at night, but he sleeps. He doesn't like to nurse laying down, but sometimes I can trick him into it.
Zavier is just funny. We got a new box in the mail today and he has taken it over to replace his broken one from before. It won't last too long with the abuse it takes, but he enjoys it.
Zayden had his kindergarten round up yesterday. The teachers seemed ok from a distance. We shall see what he really ends up with. He had to go with each of them to go over things he knows. He didn't really want to, but was finally convinced that he would go. I think he did ok.
Zachary is bored out of his mind and I don't really know how to help that. I don't have anything to offer him to do. We have nothing still and won't know if we do until Tony goes to sign in later today. Yesterday Zachary told us that if we didn't let him go out front he was running away. Then we made him stay inside upstairs for "fear" (or a good lesson) about running away.

I want so bad to get up and leave the house with the kids, but I can't and I hate it. It is driving me crazy slowly. And them too. The kids don't all fit in the explorer unless I put one upfront and I don't really want to do that unless I have to. And now that Tony is going back to work he'll be taking the car. The van is still somewhere on a boat. Again the shit the army does to people. They won't pay for us to have a rental so here we sit. Hoping that monday I can get a sitter for Zachary and Tony can come home and get us so that I can take the baby to his well baby appointment.

I'm off to have a pitty party just like everyday for the last 3 weeks.

He is here and

He is absolutely beautiful. He is so far been a wonderful baby, good sleeper, good eater, and just overall easy for mommy. He was born on August 14th 2010 @1838 after checking in to the hospital at noon that day. We had gone in around 3 Am on the 13th with constant contractions 2 minutes apart for over 2 hours, but by the time we got there that day they were gone. I was so exhausted that when they said I could go home I did and I slept. I had been telling myself he was going to be born on the 13th and with that first trip I thought awesome right on, but after going home that morning nothing was happening. I spent most of that day with NO contractions after having so many before. However looking back I know now that they weren't that painful. lol I went to bed that night very disappointed since that was the day I wanted him to be born. I slept from about midnight until sometime after 4 when I was again woken from sleep with a contraction.

This morning was different as pretty instantly they were more painful than before, but less frequent. We hung around the house and I decided to get in the tub. I laid in the tub for about an hour which was a very nice hour as contractions picked up a bit, but were manageable with the water. We decided that we should probably get it together and go back to the hospital as we live 40 mins away and with any pressure I let it happen. We get there around noon and I get hooked up to the monitors and right away in came the midwife because with the contraction baby's heart had a decel. She went ahead and checked me and I was only a 3-4 which when I was there before I was only a 3. I thought this is going to take forever if all the contractions I have been having and no change. As the midwife chatted with me so that she could watch him during the contractions he again would decel with contractions, but come right back up and be just fine.
With the decels the midwife decided that we wouldn't be leaving. She normal would have sent me to walk, but at this point baby wasn't allowed off the monitors. We were staying and having a baby.

I get my labs done and get changed and then they finally move me into my room that he will be born in where Tony and the boys are already waiting. The plan was just to watch baby and wait for my body to do it's thing. We decide that Tony should leave and feed the boys and hopefully while he was gone I could find someone to keep them. I had already said going in that I didn't want to be stuck in the bed unless it was absolutely necessary for baby's safety. However after watching baby for a while he looks fine and if I hold the monitor tightly on him during contractions he does just fine. I am finally allowed off the IV and the monitors. Which I had to have the IV to see if fluids would change his decels.

I labored off of them for awhile in the room alone, which actually was really nice. I was on my own and no one to bother me. The nurse did come in every 30 minutes to monitor me. She got me the birthing ball and I sat on that most of the time just texting people to pass the time. I finally found somewhere for the boys to go so that they didn't have to be there. Which I am so glad I did. Evie was my awesome help that day. Tony finally got back around 3:30. I had been checked earlier and was at a 5. Not long after he came back baby had another decel and that was the end of my no monitoring. I was hooked back up and had my IV back in. From about that point on the nurse never left because my midwife and nurse were really trying to honor my wishes of no drugs and no being stuck in bed. I was checked around 4 and was 6-7. When the midwife was leaving this time I said ok see you in an hour and you can break my water, that way I can have the baby around 6. At about 5:15 she came back in to break my water. That on it's own presented to be a challenge because the bad didn't want to break. She tried with the hook, but was unsuccessful. She used an internal fetal monitor to poke an hole in hopes that the hole would cause them to drain. From about this point on she didn't leave the room and the nurse didn't at all. I was 7-8 when she "broke" my water and with each contraction fluid came out.

The nurse spent most of her time holding the baby monitor on my stomach as with some contractions he was still deceling. I was very tired by this point and was ready to get this over with which was what my goal was. However after my water was broken contractions spaced out a bit. However things were still going fine. But I was in tons of pain and was stuck in the bed because I couldn't get my body to get out of it. The only relief was with each contraction more fluid would come out which took away some of the pain. Had baby not had decels I could have labored in the tub. Thanks Zander ;)
This was a very painful hour and a half until baby was born. I wasn't feeling the urge to push, so it made pushing that much harder. Oh and did I mention baby wasn't facing the right way. Which may have been what took him so long to enter into my pelvis. They rolled me and he came down a bit, but they were about to begin forcing me to push cause baby needed out. His heart rate continued have big decels and he was only going to be safer out than in. At this point the midwife began forcing me to push and they got the squatting bar and had me put my feel on it and pull on a towel for counter pressure. It wasn't long about 3 big pushes and 2 more and he was out even though it was very hard he finally came out @1838. He had the cord loosely wrapped around his neck 2xs which must have been what was causing his decels. They placed him on my stomach and I was allowed to cut the cord. He wasn't crying as much as they wanted so I just handed him off so that they could get him taken care of. He was a tiny little thing.

They finally got him weighed and he was 7lbs 10.2 oz. Which I was hoping for a smaller one like this. He was 20.9 inches long. He has a full head of beautiful dirty blond hair.

It took me a while to recover from this delivery although easy it was a bit fast there at the end. The midwife just kept apologizing for having to force me to push as they prefer to let baby and mom work together through that phase. However Tony was right over there to hold the little guy and baby was content with that. It was good for both of them since Tony missed Zavier's birth and was the only help I had at this one. After about an hour I was finally able to take baby and get him nursed and get me some food. I sent Tony off to go get the boys so that they could meet him that day. I then got up and cleaned up and moved to the room where we would be until discharge the next day.

I always knew it was true...

That Tony just doesn't listen to me. So that's it fine I'll quit talking to him. I left a box packed full of baby stuff that I needed for the baby in the first few days. Since our Household stuff won't be here until after Zander, I left them for Tony to mail. (However at this point I don't see him coming, but that is another story). I told him which box it was when I left and it actually sat behind the front door for about a week before I left. I guess I just assumed he knew when I said the box by the door. Well I did pack another box of food up encase they wouldn't take food so that we didn't have to waste it. Apparently that is what he fucking mailed me. Either way I haven't seen it either, but are you fucking serious. How hard is it to pay attention to me for one fucking minute.
Today I had a dr appt, the wonderful 39 week one (That I hoped I wouldn't have to go to) and when I got home he asked about it, but I've finally decided I am done. Why keep wasting my breath and energy on someone who apparently is never listening. He has been really good through this pregnancy before I left, but since then I'm just done dealing with him and his bull shit. You're a fucking adult. Could you attempt to take care of your adult responsibilities before you worry about playing some fucking video game or being bored.
Tony has also annoyed me because I don't feel like he appreciates all that I did in the process of moving. Yeah I did it and really it wasn't too big of deal to me for the most part, but now that he's here and I want him to do this or that with me he again acts like a big baby. Whatever I don't have a sympathetic bone in my body so he should probably quit cause it just makes me mad as heck.

down

I'm so down today. I don't know why it was over all a good day. I had a dr appt and everything is fine, but since they won't set me up with an induction it makes me nervous. I know baby will come when he is ready, but I don't want Tony to miss it because he has to keep the boys. But I can't settle for just anyone anywhere to keep my boys. I just don't leave them. The neighbors have offered, but will be out of town the weekend after Tony gets here which is when I would like Zander to come along. Why does the Army have to be so dang difficult? Don't they deal with unique situations all the time requiring special help? I mean we have to rent a car, find childcare, and I'm just miserable a lot. I mean everything is fine, but my pelvic bone hurts, my sciatic nerve hurts. I don't want him early, but just a date within the week of the 18th would be great. Whatever I again feel like I'm being screwed by the army, but what more could you expect from the Army. They just keep telling me that well someone should help you, you fucking think? They keep asking isn't there anyone that can come from MO to help you? Well idiots if I have nothing scheduled what the hell are they coming for weeks until baby makes his appearance on his own. They are really just ignorant. I should have looked for something better. I know army hospitals aren't about the patients, I should have picked one that is.

Changes...

My how things have changed. I am still waiting for my regular internet so I can actually watch some TV online since it's so boring here. I mean we keep busy, but passing time is hard. Kids have gotten tons of outside toys so that they at least have something to do. We moved into our really nice house on the 12th of July. Loving the house, however the kids seem to be fearful when I send them up or down stairs where everyone else is not. However I'm hoping once it's not so open and our stuff gets here it won't bother them as much. As of now Zachary is going to have his own room, Zayden and Zavier are going to share and Zander will be in with us. The master bedroom is huge and will have plenty of space. We ordered our washer and dryer last week and they finally came today so I'm doing a weeks worth of laundry today. I know I should space it out to keep my busy, but I hate the big pile of clothes. We ended up with a nice set of LG front loaders as I was after the sanitary cycle as well as the savings on water. Household goods were finally picked up from Germany yesterday and should take about 8-10 weeks to get here. Not so bad I guess, but by that point it will be almost 4 months since the kids and I left our household stuff behind.
Tony flies on Aug 5th and after that I am evicting this baby. I'm hoping for an induction that I'll be asking about at my appt tomorrow. We're going to have to rent a car to get the baby home since we'll have 4 boys, Tony and I and the explorer only seats 5. We'll probably rent one for a while so that we're not stuck at home during Tony's leave. He won't sign into post until Sept 5th I believe. He tacked on his paternity leave for an extra 10 days. I just hope I get an induction happy dr at the appt tomorrow. I'm done, which I know everyone is at this point, but the baby goes back and forth on my sciatic nerves and I feel like he's crushing my pelvic bone. I won't be doing it too early, but the more help I can get from Tony the better.
The weather here in Washington is nice. Most days there is no need for an a/c, which I haven't turned on in the house at all. Occasionally in the afternoons in the car I require some a/c, but for the most part it's very tolerable here. The kids are in the pool today and I'm pretty sure they are very cold. lol
Well I'm off to find something else to do as I am bored. Stefanie gets back in country tomorrow after her almost 2 years overseas. I think she is excited. However it's too bad she wouldn't come and visit us.

Day 1

Of traveling from MO to WA with the 3 kids at 33 weeks pregnant. So far so freaking long. Our 9 hour drive took 11 hours and it was our shortest day. AHHHH. We finally get here and meet Aunt Chris and Uncle Mitch at the local Lowe's. They need a few items and I don't want to sit in a hotel with 3 kids who have been trapped in a car all day. After that we head to dinner at Red Robin. The kids are crazily out of control. All over the other family members and standing in the bench. We survive dinner and Chris and Mitch invite us out to play at a park near there house while Mitch and Josiah unload their Lowe's Purchases from earlier. However as soon as we get to the park Zavier has an accident, and not a good one. I have tons of clothes in the car, but only the cheap wipes nothing that will make a dent in this mess. Zayden also needs to go to the bathroom, so I clean up (to the best of my abilities) Zavier and Chris walks Zayden up to their house. I end up leaving Zavier covered in poop and just put clean clothes over him and load him into the car to go to the hotel. Now just what does one do with 2 poopy outfits and shoes in a hotel? (I didn't want to have to use Chris' brand new washer to clean these clothes) So when I get back to the hotel I wash the poopy clothes and shoes in the bathroom sink and then rinse them in the shower. Now over night they were hung to dry, but aren't quite there yet.
This mornings adventure consist of going down to breakfast where it sucked so the kids were just eating cereal. However when Zavier was carrying his back up to the room (cause he wouldn't sit still and eat) he tripped getting on the elevator spilling his bowl of cereal and his half cup of milk. I just picked up the cereal and went on.
I'm trying to decide whether or not I want to drive about 1 1/2 hours tonight to North Colorado to make the day shorter tomorrow. If 9 hours takes 11, what is 10 going to take me? We'll end in Idaho tomorrow night before going all the way to Washington on Tuesday.

I can't do this

Deal with all the drama that comes from people here in KC. I'm definitely counting down the days until I leave. Why is it so bad that I want what is best for my family. Yes others may not think I know what is best, but I do. I do not have it in me with all the moving stuff I have going on to deal with the childish drama. I'm 25 years old and I don't want to play the "well you did it first game". Are you fucking kidding me that is what my children do and I don't like that either. I can't hardly get 5 minutes alone and I don't mean without my children I mean from others. I'm an emotional wreck and I need time alone to recuperate. I also need to talk to my husband alone so I can get his support on my emotional wreck. He has been my rock through this pregnancy and is doing his best. He told me I didn't have to deal with some of the drama that has presented itself today, but I will have to do something with it. However I am not going to deal with it on my own and I will not deal with it until my husband calls me and we discuss it.

Tomorrow

Is the big day. I will be flying from here to Philadelphia on a 9 hour flight. I will then have an 5 hour layover and then a 3 hour flight to KC. I more stressed over this stupid luggage situation. We can only have one suitcase per person since we're not traveling on order. (Thanks again stupid army.) We could pay if we wanted to, but I'm trying to make do with just 4. That just means I have more stuff to carry on the dang airplane. I now will have Zachary and I a carry on in addition to a backpack for everyone, 2 carseats and a stroller. Just getting on the plane should be a challenge, but it's not like I can't do it. Let's just pray it's as stress-less as possible since I want baby to stay safely tucked inside for the flight and for 9 more weeks. Everything is packed other than the clothes we are wearing today and stuff for me to get ready in tomorrow.

The situation in KC is stressful as well and I don't think mom realizes how much stress she adds to my already overstressed self. I am taking the car that mom has been driving for a year plus now as it is our second car and she will be left without since their other car is apparently having transmission problems. I feel so bad taking the car from her, but at what point do I quit giving up so much for others. My priorites have definantly changed this pregnancy. I am finally feeling that I can't fix all for others and should just work on my kids and my husband. I love my mom and sister, and grandma, but my family now consist of Tony, Zachary, Zayden, Zavier and Zander and they are no longer my accessories while I do all I can to help others.

Tomorrow will be a good day. God will protect us and keep all 6 of us safe as we travel.

Still leaving

Well we really are leaving. I know I want to, but I'm scared to have to go to washington without Tony. I don't know how much I can get done without him and how flexible they will be with me. However in 9 weeks I have to be ready to have a baby and hopefully have a house to bring him home to. I also hope that Tony makes it to Washington before Zander comes. I'm annoyed with this stupid math teacher because I tried explaining that I could find a testing place in Wa, but that I would have 3 kids and no childcare. I don't understand why that part is so important. Fine I'll take the freaking test, but I can't just leave the kids alone.
On post or off I don't care I just want to find something with enough space for 6 people to live in the house and have individual space. I mean how small of a house could they give us since we are a family of 6. I guess I don't really have to claim to know the sex of the baby. I have been asking questions of someone I know in Wa and I don't think she likes it there too well. I've also seen plenty of negativity online in several places. I know it's all about how each individual person deals with where they are, but I don't have the patience or emotional stability to hope that it works out ok for me and the kids. I mean I'm traveling to this place with 3 kids, 7 months pregnant and hoping that housing works out. I'll call housing this week and try to get a gauge of how difficult they could make it for me coming there before Tony gets there. I can't afford to live in a hotel for a month.
Money is my other stressor, I think it will be ok in the end cause I can be cheap when I need to be, but just being sure I have enough to get a place for the kids and I to stay for an unknown amount of nights is scary. I am however constantly turning all these fears I have all the time over to God, because as I said before my emotional stability is a wreck and I can't deal with the unknown very well. It's in God's hands for now and I pray that he places the perfect living situation in my hands when I get to Ft. Lewis.

No freaking way...

We're leaving here in less than 2 1/2 weeks. It was totally unexpected, but since our extension didn't go through we got orders anyway. We could have pushed them, but we got what Tony wanted and he didn't want to lose it. We are going to Ft. Lewis Washington. We are both very excited, it's been emotional for me to deal with all that must be accomplished in the next 2 1/2 weeks so the kids and I can fly by June 24th. That's right I'm preparing to fly over the ocean 32 weeks pregnant with 3 kids by myself. The topper is that then I will spend a handful of days in KC before I spend 3-4 days driving from KC to Washington, likely by myself. Then I plan to get a place to rent and settle in there, enroll the kids and school and wait for Tony to join us at the beginning of August and Zander hopefully shortly after Tony gets there. My relax and enjoy summer was quickly changed last Wednesday with this new information.

All the baby things I will return to the store here (carseat, swing, and pack-n-play) and repurchase since I will need those things ASAP with Zander and I don't know when our household goods will join us. The other thing we have to have for Zander is the van. I will be taking our '99 explorer with me to Washington, but there isn't room for Zander so hopefully the van gets there fast. I don't even know how it will travel all that way, but there is a port there near Ft. Lewis.

I'm spending today preparing since I have 4 boys saving clothes is the best idea, and I always have, but I went down and sorted them all into as few boxes as possible so that Zander can wear all the bigger boys have outgrown. Zayden and Zavier are still making their way through Zachary's clothes, but I pulled out some shorts for Zayden. I hope it's warm enough in Washington for shorts since it's really hot in Missouri and I hate to pack more than I need.

My only downer about this whole moving thing is I would have liked to prepare financially for it. We don't have any extra saved up which means that we will have to pull out the credit card and I don't really want to. We do have a savings, but we have several nights in a hotel, some work to be done to both cars (when van gets to U.S.), we'll most likely need a washer and dryer and if I'm buying I'm buying nice. We do have enough for first months rent and a deposit. I will be getting a big check from my school soon so that should help, but it was originally going to pay off the credit card. Oh well we'll get debt free one day. The good thing about this is that our insurance will go way down since it's so expensive here in Germany so that should save us about $100/month.

Either way this will be God's blessing on us and we will make it.

Why is the end of the week so busy?

Is it because I put things off? Is it because I have all these people home in this tiny space we call home? I still don't know why, but it happens that I end up doing school work on the weekends when I don't during the week. But what the heck am I busy doing all the time? I don't even know what consumes most of my time, but I'm guessing dealing with the kids, cooking, cleaning, laundry, extra sleep while I grow my little human, grocery shopping and eating. This week I know I've been extra tired so two mornings I just slept. Which is nice, but my sleep sucks. I have unpleasant dreams and I usually get up 2-3 or more times a night so I have at least 2 disturbing dreams and it just ruins the whole sleep process.
This pregnancy has just been rough on my body. While there are days another baby after this one wouldn't be so bad, but I'm scared of another pregnancy. I almost feel useless sometimes and I'm never comfortable and I have to do this another 11 weeks. And I want to keep him in for a while. I'm sure I'll struggle until near the end and then it will be fine and baby won't want to come out and I'll be overdue. But that's ok baby and I have a day he can't be born on. I feel it's satan's day in a why. However I have prepared myself that it is a possibility and I will deal with it as I need to.
Why is my brain so crazy? It just seems to go from one thing to the next. I have noticed the people here in Schweinfurt lately have been increasingly annoying and rude. Does it seem like the pregnant lady with 3 kids wants to wait onger while you let your friend cut in line just to get some cigarettes? But then what about you who doesn't even have the $1.90 in your account to pay for the drink you so desperately needed. Then the person behind the pregnant lady with 3 kids can't hold her shit until it's her turn and asked my kid to move so she can put her shit down. Seriously wait a fucking minute. You can pick up your twizzlers when it's your turn. And then the wonderful cashier who has to guess how old the boys are and then says "oh another one" yeah another one scan my shit so I can get out of here already.
Well I must make this crazy insane brain stop. So I want some food and I should get some. But what...

Another Boy

So my friend Denise was hoping that her 3rd baby was going to be a girl, but she is going on boy number 3. But anymore my outlook is a healthy baby is a good thing and sex is just and extra bonus to know. I love my little man and can't wait to meet him. I think since I was there with her expecting boy number 4 she couldn't be too upset cause this was only her third boy. However I was honest with her that I'm not sad he's a boy, but why do others seem to get their preference when I don't have one, but Tony does. My husband wanted a girl and there are times I do struggle with the fact that I can't seem to give him one. I know I know men pick the sex, but also the host environment (uterus) can welcome or reject one sex of sperm. And clearly my uterus kills of the little girly sperm and only allows the boy sperm to meet the egg. Whatever babies are what they are and are loved either way.

Tony is still not home today and it's 7:30 P.M. Why you ask? Cause the entitled ex-Battalion commander needed a ride to a ceremony that is 2 hours away and then a ride to the airport which is the opposite way of the first location, 2 hours from here. When I talked to him at 4:30 P.M. he was still sitting at the first location. I feel bad for Tony. While he's a good driver, it's not his thing. He is content to ride along. At least he has a second driver to split the driving with.

I sure do love my little boys. I get a few minutes away occasionally and all I want to do while I'm gone is go get them. I miss them when they are at school too. I'm looking forward to the kids being out of school. We can sleep in and just hang out all day everyday. I know that they will drive me nuts at some point, but we're all looking forward to baby Zander coming. We'll spend a bit of time finishing up preparing for Zander and getting all his stuff cleaned and his bed put together and his swing and carseat. The kids will enjoy helping with those things because they all seem very excited to meet him.

Well I need to get some school work done so that I pass this class. Don't want to get stuck doing it all this weekend since Tony will be off Fri-Mon and the kids are off Mon.

Here is a pic just for fun.

Fun days together

Yesterday was such a busy day here. But it wasn't as if we were home taking care of weekly cleaning and laundry, we spent the day at a birthday party. I enjoy going to events where the whole family can have fun. The kids got to play with water balloons and water guns. They were soaked, but had fun. Zavier isn't much of a get me wet person and prefers to stay dry on the edge of the fun. Zayden can't keep his body temp up once he's wet so he begins to shiver with the tiniest bit of shade. However they just kept going and went for hours like that. They came home grabbed a sandwich and passed out because they were so tired.
On Saturday we had an interesting discovery. lol Zavier's shoes had been snug on his toes for a while, but mommy finally felt bad enough that she got him out the next size. What is the next size? An 11. They look so big on his feet, but they won't last too long even. With this bit of growth he has passed up Zayden who is content in his size 10's. Zachary has pretty good size feet also.
Friday Dan Crow played at the boys school so Zavier and I joined in. Dan Crow sings silly songs for kids and was in the Milo and Otis movie soundtrack. The kids in each group were so happy to listen and laugh. I spent the morning in Zayden's class and then since they only had one teacher, Zavier and I joined Zayden and his class in the cafeteria for lunch like the big kids. I was glad that I got to be involved in that since we don't get to eat with Zayden like we do Zachary.
This weekend is memorial day weekend, but I don't know what days the kids are out of school. Tony has a four day, but not to sure about the kids. I don't know what we can do to keep busy because I hate to sit at home for 4 days. Not that we have money to go and do anything, but I would maybe like to go get the new book shelf I want. However that requires going to get a VAT form and enough euro to pay for it and with no money that makes it hard, but the old book shelf is about to just contain a book pile.
Tony and I talked about baby names again yesterday. We're set on Zander, but middle names have been a struggle since we don't "love" anything at this point. We had talked about naming the baby Aaron, so that is possibly the first middle name. I also like Kade as a second middle name since I won't be using my names for any other children and Kade is similar to Katie. But neither are we completely decided on. But for now the plan is Zander Aaron Kade Hannasch. But I can't keep forcing Tony to talk about it if I'm going to change my mind since that drives him crazy.
Well I finally got this weeks assignments for class so I'm going to get started so we can do something other than school work this weekend.

Memorable moments

Why is it I forget so many of the memorable moments I should remember from day to day? I think my brain has given up on working all the time and just does what is necessary to get from day to day.
Tony worked all night last night so I was on duty for getting the kids to school this morning, but also trying to get to PWOC on time. I hate that part only cause to walk Zayden to school, which he has to be, I have to dress myself and Zavier in a timely fashion to get him there on time. Tony usually does the honors as he gets home about 10 minutes before they have to be there, but on the special days I get to take them.
Well this morning after taking the bigger boys to school the house was back to just me and little Zavier. I was in the bathroom curling my hair and was almost ready to go when Zavier came in. I fixed his hair a bit so the front stood up and sprayed it a little with hair spray. He was all handsome looking and I felt for once that I had some sort of civilized look going on and Zavier walks up to me pulls up the bottom of my shirt and kisses my belly. It was such a picture perfect moment, but because it was just he and I there is no picture of it.
Zavier is the one to most notice my stomach and talk to it and say he hears the baby in there. Sometimes the baby is talking to him, which does worry me. Zavier is always in my bubble and he and Zander (I think will be baby's name) often battle for space in and outside me. Even now as I type this Zavier is on me as much as he can get since I keep pushing him off to type. It's not like he and I haven't had enough space sharing time today since I spent a good amount of time telling him a story and then giving him a nap on my lap. However I can't complain other that the squishing of what is a fragile belly this time. He won't want to be so close to me always now will he. (However if he wasn't also licking my hair I would be ok with that also)
Sometimes I wonder why he's perceived as my favorite, but he's just the one here with me all the time. He and I almost never part and he had a heck of a time adjusting to me gone for 4 days last week.
I do remember from before I left Zachary telling me it wasn't fair that the baby got to go with me, as in the baby in my belly. Zachary is so silly sometimes. But I love his craziness.
Yesterday by this time I was exhausted and was heading to bed, but tonight because I took a nap earlier I'm not so tired, but clearly neither is Zavier.
I'm only taking one class at a time right now and now I'm in my myth class. I'm only taking it because it meets a requirement and it's a 4 week class so I'll be done before the next one starts in June. However I hate stuff like this because I don't believe in urban legends or myths for the most part. Being as that I am a Christian that seems to be what I stick with when basing my feelings on outside topics.
Well I would like to be alone for a little bit and since the other 2 boys are in bed and Tony is in bed since he didn't sleep all day, it's time for Zavier to go back to his room. I've had enough hair licking for tonight.

Handsome baby boy #4

It was great to get to see my belly baby today. You could see just in his face how much growth he has had in 4 weeks. I would love to have more pics and a Cd or DVD at some point, but I guess I'll have to ask. He looks just like all his brothers did inside which makes me wonder do all babies just look very similar inside?
I still however find him very handsome and can't wait to see he ends up looking like. Since Zavier took after Zachary very much I'm wondering if this baby will look like Zayden. I have wanted all along for this baby to have Zayden's temperament as a baby because Zayden was such a good one compared to the others. However at this moment I am totally wondering why I want him to act like Zayden when Zayden has thrown himself on the floor over and over for the past 30 minutes because he's mad.
So why have I kept this baby's sex a secret for the last 10 weeks? I love him so much already I don't wish he was anything else. I dread the "oh were you trying for a girl?" comments. We weren't trying and I'll take a healthy boy over and over again just to be a healthy baby.
I have to find comfort from God knowing that he picked each of my boys to be boys. He clearly knows better than I in what he is doing. So for now on baby number 4 I get to keep being the one and only girl in my house. ;)