Is it over yet?

I feel like there is so much going to be going on, but I'm having to wait for it to happen and I just want it all over with. 2 weeks from today we begin the moving process, and 3 weeks from today we have to have this house emptied and cleaned and keys turned in. I keep packing the house, because I can't sit and do nothing every single day. I can't shop or even grocery shop because it's just more stuff to move. I did get all the kids Christmas things ordered and they should be here this week, but we still have to move them. Right now I am still planning to let the military movers move me, but I am still worried they won't like that I packed so much stuff.
The bottom line for me is we don't have nice stuff. We do have a pretty nice (to me) computer and 2 big flat screen TVs, but even one of those has a huge scratch down it from a toy being driven on it. We have put our value in children and want to give them nice toys and clothes, but at this point they still destroy everything. So like I said we don't have nice things that need special packing. I also don't want to have to unpack every box to get to the things I need in WA since we'll be moving to Texas in ~7 months. When I pack for myself every thing is grouped by room and state I want it opened in. I also have to be able to do it with 5 kids underfoot so I can't have long explanations for movers of what goes where.
If only Tony was home I would just pack it all and let him get some friends to help move it and call it good, but being by myself I just can't do it all. (Even though sometimes I think I can. :)
I am trying to rely on the help of others, but every time I do I'm reminded why I never rely on others because everyone has their own priorities.

On a more positive side, we do have a time frame for when Tony will be home. ~50 days give or take a few so I am a little excited, but I still feel like all the things listed above keep me from being excited to get him. Normally I'd begin to get stuff ready for him. Buy his things that he'll need when he gets home, soap, deodorant  foods he likes, but instead I'm trying to move have Christmas and then get him home all in ~50 days.
However I am an awesome army wife and take it and go on all while caring for 5 kids and a house. And I know that it will all melt away when I no longer have to worry about him and his safety on a daily basis.

Whirlwind of events

I have been around and around with our rental company about this move. All I am trying to get out of them is if the owners are planning on repainting when they return. However I have been yelled at for not "telling" the army when they have to move us. Since we have decided to go to post the army will move us. However as everything army related there are hoops I have to jump through on their timeline.
I went into housing on Wednesday this past week and got everything situated for us to take a 4 bedroom home on December 11th. I have been to the transportation office and they will move us, but I have to attend a briefing first on December 3rd.
Also on Wednesday I spoke with the receptionist at the rental office, Rose. She proceeded to tell me that even though they told me I have to move that I must give them notice by the 10th of November if I plan to move out in December and not pay the whole months rent. I said that I didn't know exactly when the movers could move our stuff and she said that was too bad since we we're "choosing to move in December". While that is a bit true since we are on orders for July I don't want to sign a 6 month lease with plans to break it so that requires I move out by about the 15th of December. I also gave the rental company a chance to help me find a place to move, but all they returned to me with was to move to a house in Clearwood (which is about 15-20 minutes further away from here on what has become quite a dangerous road in the winter and dark. Sorry but Tony already spends ~40 minutes driving and I don't want to drive it daily to take the kids to school.)  She was very rude and at one point told me I was taking the Clearwood offer "out of the context". Not really sure what was "out of context".  She also told me that she was/is military and that I just needed to call them up and tell them when I needed to move and that I needed to know when they were moving me. (At this point I hadn't been to the transportation office due to a misled office staff member at the office.)
After about 10-15 minuted of Rose yelling over me and not listening just yelling at me she hung up on me.
At that point I had to deal with my children so I let it go. About 15 minutes later a different staff member called to tell me that the owner of the company had overheard Rose's side of the conversation and wanted to know what was going on. He was filled in by the office and he said that since it was unique circumstances  and that they were asking me to vacate and that I was complying just before they had asked he said that they could allow me to give notice when I knew my dates. The second staff member did say though that they "work for the owners", which was helpful to me in solidifying that this move is on me and they won't care if I wait until January to move. If I don't find somewhere to live they don't care because I am not their concern. And because my kids are a great concern to me I have to be proactive and get moved to a place where we can live until time to go to Texas.
However to do things right I complied with their request to know a date far in advanced and just picked a date and will do my best to be out by then. I turned in my notice on Friday November 9th to be out by December 18th.
I am still hoping to talk to the rental agent about the moving out cleaning/painting. I want to be sure if I hire their cleaner that I will be returned my whole deposit. However the more I think about this situation and the whole cleaning vs. painting debate, I'm going to do the right thing and pray that God will make this situation right for me and help me through it.
But to make this clear, I don't want to move and this has been a horrible situation for me to have to deal with while Tony is deployed. He doesn't care either way as he'll support whatever I decide to do, that makes it no easier. I like the location we live in, I like the school the kids go to, I like the church we go to and most of all we have had our plan to move next summer for a year now and moving in Dec/Jan really messes that up as now we'll be responsible for clearing another house.
I am emotionally spent on this whole experience.

A little better

Today is a little better. I got to have bible study with Staci and even though we didn't work on our study we did get to talk about me moving and getting help. I wish Tony was here to help me work this out but I really trust that God will help me through this. I do wish Tony would come along so we could talk about it.

Freaking out

I got a courtesy call this morning from the rental company that the owners are coming back to take the house in January some time. We recently came down on orders to Ft.Bliss Texas in July. We were planning to leave here late June when the kids get out of school to head down there. We only needed a house to stay in until then. I am having a panic attack. I don't know where or when or how to move and even less by myself with 5 kids. AND the most important thing to me is for Zavier to finish kindergarten where he is. He is doing so much better than I expected at all. He is thriving not just surviving like I expected. I am crushed by the thought of moving him. They are trying to get the owners to hold off until February so that Tony can come home first, but I don't know even what the best choice is. It's almost like we should pack most stuff and live with minimum stuff so were ready to go to Texas. I am leaving this up to God to help me and to Tony to tell me what to do.
I don't want to do this alone. :(

My Zayden

I love this little boy to pieces, but he makes so crazy. He really wants to get a rise out of of me all the time. Everything I say to him he has to say no to. I have started a Bible study with some local church friends and I am hoping I will learn some new coping devices to relate and teach him. He seems so angry in his heart and I want him to feel truly loved. He just needs to do some boy things with his dad so we are really excited for daddy to come home. He is so far not having any trouble in school that I know of. His teacher didn't seem to friendly when we went to have lunch at the school the last few times so I can't really get a read on things. Parent teacher conferences will be in early November so I will really have a better plan by then.

Being a SAHM

Is like never leaving the office. Having toddlers/children around all day would be like if your papers were constantly in a tornado spinning around the room never knowing when and where each paper would fall. I try not to complain about being a SAHM, but some days I feel like each child is a tornado spinning around and around. Crumbs, food, juice, milk, toys, dirt, rocks, dirty diapers, blankets falling from the spin. I can't say I would too willingly change what I do, because I absolutely do not want others to raise my babies, but some days I wish I had a job, just for a few hours. Maybe in the future once the kids are older I could possibly have a job for a few hours a day, but until then I will fill my 30 years of commitment to raising my children the best I can because to me that is what a mother is for.

Sisters :)

So Stefanie came to visit after not seeing each other since November 2010. It was so nice to have her here. We had a really good time and went out and did things everyday she was here. The kids love having her here and I must say while Zander and Abbie really only like mommy and cry when cared for by others, they both were very friendly and happy to see Stefanie. Stefanie has what seems to be a rather serious boyfriend, but I am still hoping they will come live near us after we move next summer or if we don't. lol. I miss having my sister around as I haven't been able to find that one close friend here like I have had other places. Her new boyfriend doesn't have siblings so he certainly wouldn't understand, but hopefully we can get close enough to visit a lot more often. Her boyfriend, Scott, is into sports and even coaches so I know he and Tony would at least have fun going to games and watching sports and we have a house full of boys to go with them. And Stefanie and I could keep up on the pedicures we got while she was here. We took Zander and Abbie with us to get pedis and it would be fun to do it a little more often than this being the 2nd ones we each have had. ;) And we are raising Abbie to be a princess so pedis often will be required.
I am excited for what the next year will hold for Stefanie and Scott and what we will be doing come next summer. We've been eager to get out of WA for a while now.

Excited but sad

Is how I feel about my 3rd baby boy starting Kinder tomorrow. He drives me crazy so I need this little break but he is my little buddy. While I have been excited all week all I feel now is sadness. He is so little and still requires so much help from me. We packed his lunch with most things he could open himself and we practiced opening  his fruit cup. I just need to go with him. :) Stefanie and I and the babies are going to spend the day shopping. I am already nervous about being so far away. What if he is sad and wants me to come get him? I hope he learns to obey and be a good boy. He's so naughty sometimes. I still will have my evil handful at home. I'd rather send Zander and keep Zavier home.
Tonight Zachary asked why I was excited for Zavier's first day and not his so I had to remind him I was just as excited for him to start kindergarten.
The big boys are adjusting with only some complaints about the teachers. Zayden said his teacher doesn't do math and reading right. I wish I was a better mom and could keep my boys at home and teach them myself but I am not right now. Maybe one day. I love them so much and they are only little for a tiny amount of time.

Juggling 5

And that is just the kids. While I am usually pretty comfortable in my parenting I am beginning to wonder what the heck I am supposed to do with a few of these kids.

Zayden is one of my more challenging kids. The others are touchy feely dorks like me and their dad, but Zayden just isn't the same. It surprises others when I tell them he is my most difficult to deal with. It is like he's too old for his age. While still constantly competing against Zachary. He acts completely annoyed that I am his mom. Like he would rather be parented by someone else. When Tony is around it is much more balanced but it isn't like Zayden is good for Tony either. I feel my little boy being completely different than what he used to be. I don't think there is a problem just that I feel like I miss him. He was such a cuddle bug and he loved to work but now he is like an angry, grumpy old man. I want him to enjoy and be excited for life while maintaining a routine. I need something to excite him. I am just to boring. 

Then there is Zander. He is different in a different at than Zayden. He frustrates me everyday. He is such a fun loving little guy demanding yet go with the flow of 3 big brothers. He is his daddy's boy. He gets the biggest light in his eyes for his daddy. While that isn't weird it is certainly different at our house. The army has been pretty demanding of Tony when the older 3 were younger toddler age. While loving his daddy so much is different it isn't where my concerns lie. Hope I am just worrying about nothing. 

fun out of the sun

Yesterday while the kids were driving me crazy my friend called and said she was at a little fest in McKenna the neighboring little town. She said it was pretty empty and that I should bring the kids out to play on the bouncy stuff. My original plan was to get shower but this sounded like more fun. We ended up staying a little over 4 hours where he kids had a blast. The weather was amazing overcast and    comfortable. The boys spent lots of time catching grasshoppers, running around and playing on the bouncy things. We then brought Zachary's friend home for a few hours.
Last night all but Zander slept in my room. It makes me sad that he will not sleep anywhere else but in his bed. I would love to get some toddler cuddling in at night. I don't need every night just a few nights here and there.
Zander made it through Sunday school without Zachary this morning. We will be going back tonight for iGnite. Can't get enough church. Lol.

Burning up

Oh my word has it been hot this week. It has been in the 90's this week which wouldn't be so bad if we had an a/c. I truly don't mind heat when there is a/c. We stayed home both days just going with the flow of the heat. Abbie was quite bothered by the heat and slept much of yesterday. Today is only supposed to be in the 80's so much more bearable. We are just having a relaxing Saturday at this point. I know I have to get them out to do something today as Zander is going crazy being stuck in the house for 2 whole days.
I am missing Tony quite a bit since he has only been getting on at night and I must sleep when the kids do so I haven't been getting to talk to him.
School starts in 2 1/2 weeks and I am excited for the big boys to go. I am not looking forward to all the work that comes with sending the kids to school everyday, homework, lunches, less time for them to do their chores. I am also excited for quiet afternoons. I have been having Abbie nap when Zander does so that when school starts they can nap so I can get stuff done or catch a nap. Whatever I need that day. I wish I was able to handle all the kids at home and home school them because I do love each of my children very much but I just can't stay on a schedule to get school stuff done. I wouldn't mind keeping one home and using the online public school here in Washington. Just not sure I could keep up with the non-computer stuff. Hopefully one day I'll be able to school some of my children.
However so many boys is just constant fighting. This has been the worst summer so far. I mean I do have a lot going on and am alone most of the time with all the kids.
I feel like I am running in a hamster wheel  doing the same thing all day everyday. I miss Tony's help with the little things like putting away laundry and helping with bedtime and dishes. Now that I am doing those chores too I am too exhausted to stay on top of all my heavy cleaning. I haven't fallen too behind but let's say there are some things in the house that need cleaning.
Today I have sent the boys outside to burn off some energy. They are going crazy. Not sure where we are going today but we'll be going out to do something.
I wish I had more friends shoot any friends would work. My friends I hung out with before Tony left one moved and the other just stopped talking to me. Not sure what happened there but whatever. I prefer keeping to myself just like an adult conversation once in a while would be nice.

Zander turns 2.

Today my precious little boy turned two. I am pretty sure he is my last boy baby to turn two but only God knows that for sure. He unfortunately had to spend his birthday going grocery shopping, but we did eat lunch out before heading home where he refused to nap because he fell asleep in the car. Iced our "ball" cupcakes and did some chores around the house. Then I made him dinner, meatball subs, rice and green beans which he did a nice job eating. Then we had cupcakes. He blew out the candle and I tried to have him lick the icing off the bottom of the candle, but instead he bit it off. So I had to make him spit that out. He then ate his baseball cupcake. After cupcakes was presents. He got a Thomas the Train (but I hear it's not Thomas) from Grandma Lisa and then for me and daddy and siblings he got 2 monster trucks and a soccer/hockey set with nets, balls, and sticks. He was a bit unsure about unwrapping them, but his big brothers held back nothing in helping him dive right in. He also picked out a soccer ball/basketball/football set at the store today. If you can't see the theme it is sport stuff. This little boy loves balls and would even sit and watch sports with daddy before he left. Hoping Zander will keep that interest.

Funny Zander

While Zander doesn't talk too much he does still do some funny stuff. He has excema and it's been flaring in his joints with the heat that we've had. He has a spot on the top of his left elbow that is becoming raw and bleeding. Tonight I decided that I would put some cream on it and then a bandaid since I usually won't treat it for fear of him eating/licking the cream off. I put the cream on and then a bandaid so that overnight hopefully the cream would clear it up. Then I said to him that he could just leave that on while he was sleeping and it would be all better in the morning. Well he then begins pointing at it and making snoring noises. He then kept pointing at it and snoring. I put a long sleeve shirt on him so that he wouldn't pick it off, but he was so funny with his snoring.
He does occasionally fake like he's sleeping and it's always with sound effects of him snoring.

keeping busy

Well I've been keeping a little more busier than normal since mom left and it's done well for me. I am going a bit crazy because I've missed Tony the last 2 times he got online so I haven't talked to him for a week now. Took Abbie to the dr today. She had a few boughts of screaming like she was in pain last night so I wanted to make sure she was good to go. She checked out beautifully. She weighed 13lbs 11oz dressed and was 24 inches long. I weigh and measure her periodically at home and those were both right on with our at home calculations. The dr said she looked great and was very responsive and alert. Almost as if she was more alert than most.
She is certainly the princess at the house and I think she already uses that to her benefit. She's still such a good little baby and I am continually amazed by her. She does have spells of being fussy, but it's usually just because she is ready for the next step in her cycle sleep/eat/poop/play repeat repeat repeat all day long. Then she sleeps all night quite consistently still. She is beginning to enjoy a little co-sleeping more especially for naps. She will occupy herself with her play mat or bouncer toys during her playtime and prefers to be laying on the floor over being held sometimes.
I didn't know what my relationship with my daughter was going to be like. I never truly expected to have a girl and then I didn't know what parenting her would be like once I knew she was a girl. I still had my doubts and even after she was born I asked if she was still a girl while she was laying on my chest after birth. I didn't know how much I needed a little princess until I got Abbie. She lights up my world every single day. I feel so blessed to have her.
I have never quite liked the little girls with the super high pitched voices. I always thought "how does a mother stand that". And other than when we're at church I think Abbie's super high pitched little jabbering is adorable. She is such a girl and has so much to say. She has a select few number of people that she lets hold her so I do sometimes wonder what I am getting myself into since Zander is also like that, but I am just so amazed by her.
I still absolutely love my boys just as much as Abbie, it's just different just like my love for each boy is different.
I'm very excited to get some more one on one time with Zander when school starts. He's such a mess and so fussy at times, but hopefully being the "big" brother in the house this school year will get him settled a bit. He's possibly got some speech delay, but I hear a new word almost everyday. He loves balls and can point out which is which of the 4 he knows. He knows enough words to get what he wants about 60% of the time, but the bigger boys still torment him until he's screaming and fighting back so having the bigger boys in school will solve that problem. If he spills something he almost always tries to clean it up and then he puts whatever he used back where he got it. Like towels/rags he gets out of the drawer himself and puts them back after he's cleaned up his mess.
Zander is starting to do better with others caring for him. He still tucks his head away when initially addressed, but will warm up to several different people at this point. He allowed a guy at church to take him to the playground with out me or a brother last week, but I think that was more his desire to go outside to play instead of going to church. He had a babysitter today for a little bit. She said it took several minutes of playing hide and seek to get him out of his bed. He is quite moody when he wakes up and that can sometimes be the worst part of his day. Parenting him pushes my buttons some days but when his little smile lights up you can see he's full of trust from his momma.
I'll have to find time to come back and post about what's going on with the older 3 cause I'm tired now, but rest assured there isn't much rest for a "single" mother of 5. :)

dressing a girl

What I have learned dressing a girl is that their clothes can last longer than boys. When she out grows a dress it becomes a shirt, when she out grows pants they become capris. You can't do that kind of dressing with a boy, when clothes are outgrown they look silly wearing them again. I wanted to do baby legs with Zavier and Zander, but couldn't get it to look quite right with their outfit, but I can with Abbie. I got a good deal on some cute baby legs so she has about 6 pairs. Right now we're in a heat wave so she's not wearing them this week, but they will last her a long long time. She is already filling out her 3 months clothes and is ready to move into her 6 month stuff. I measured her today and she weighs about 12 1/2lbs and is 24 1/4 inches long. Mom thinks she is small for 3 months, but I wanted her to be petite. I will hopefully be able to get her in for a well child check up when the big boys go back to school in the fall.

Mom has been here almost 2 weeks. It has been nice having another adult around, but my mom and sister expect entertainment when they are here so we have left the house about 10/12 days so far. Today she is at the library with the older 3 since Abbie cries when I leave her. I don't know how she's so quick to know but she is and Zander cries when he's the only one left at home so she took the older 3 and I kept the babies. I haven't gotten much accomplished since she left, but I am working on potty training Zander so I did spend about 20 minutes in the bathroom with him and then bathed him when he pooped his pants. We're still a long way from being close to potty training, but his skin is so sensitive he often ends up with a rash from foods he eats. So this time potty training is a must so that he can heal.

Well Abbie says it's time to eat and I'm going to start lunch for the big boys upon their return.

Circling

I feel like I am running circles around people and their friend groups. I keep trying to branch out and try to get new friends and it just isn't working. I am still invisible. Not sure where to go from here but praying something good comes along. Mom will be here Sunday so that will be at least some adult conversation for a while.
I have just grown so much since Tony and I started dating almost 11 years ago. He is truly my best friend. I can say anything to him and know he's on my side everytime except against him. ;) I love him as a parent to our kids. He has grown so much as a parent since we had Zachary 9 1/2 years ago. We were just at such an awesome place before he left. Life was in a very perfect place with the addition of Abigail. I feel like I had just fallen into my role as Tony's wife and not the head of the house. I am so happy as his wife and mother of his 5 beautiful children. Tony is such an amazing husband and father. 2 months down another 7 to go until he's back home with me and his kids.

Harder than I thought

My oh My 5 is harder than I expected. Keeping Abbie fed every few hours while trying to keep the other 4 busy, fed, and carted around as needed is quite the challenge. I know my mood totally affects how the day is going to go. Today started rough because Zachary didn't realize that he still had school today, so he was grumpy. Then I went to the grocery store to pick up the on sale items from the ad. I dropped the big boys off for their last day of school and then headed to the store. They have been riding the bus since Tony left in April to make things easier for me. However when we got to the store we went in and I put Zander in the front of the cart, Abbie in her carseat in the back, and was going to have Zavier walk. I started at the milk which was located in the back of the store. However when we got back there I then realized why Zavier had asked to ride in the cart, he wasn't wearing shoes. AWESOME! So then I tossed him in the cart too, squeezed in the groceries and got the heck out of there. 

Went to the Post office and mailed off Tony's 6th box (2nd this week). I want to keep it at about a box a week so that he should be getting plenty of mail. Right now I am the only one sending him packages and after being overseas (which isn't the same as a deployment) I certainly know the value of something to look forward too. Wanting to keep his spirits up since this is a much more active deployment than the last.

I am still trying/hoping to get the rest of the garden planted soon. It's not going very well as I have only got 2/5 plants planted. Abbie doesn't let me get much outside time and since I got her sunburned last month I won't be taking her with me. I got out today with a bit of fussing from her to get the front flower bed sprayed for weeds and I cut the lavender bush up because it was ugly. I think when you go to rent your house out if you must have so many flower beds you should pay someone to care for them. Sometimes you'll get a tenant that likes them and can maintain them, sometimes you'll get one like me. I hate the maintenance on the yard. I just can't get out to do it. Others keep telling me they'll do it, but so far the only thing to be done is the front mowed by the new neighbor. I don't expect it from people, but I need help. I think I am going to just break down and ask the guy team at church for someone to come and do it and I can pay. I'm ok paying anyone $20-$30 twice a month, but no more than that.

I'm quite lonely out here. I don't really have many friends out here because the area is so big and the people here seem quite wrapped up in themselves. My one good friend is heading to Ft.Sill this month so that will suck. We hung out about once a week and she is 1. a large family, and 2. has kids the same age almost as each of my 4 boys. It makes me wish we were moving east. Next summer can't come soon enough as I am ready to move on from this place. The weather does seem like it may finally stay nice, but it is June 15th already so we've been ready for a while. I think the weather has been bringing me down too. I certainly feel better with the windows open with some fresh air flowing through the house.

Got a busy day tomorrow so we'll have some down time in the morning and then in the afternoon we'll head off to our first event and then follow that up with bible study in the evening. I am liking the bible study and enjoying visiting with others.

I am off to night to start getting everyone ready for bed. All but Abbie were bathed after playing in the sprinkler today and I am very exhausted so an early bed time would be fine by me. :)

I've become that wife

That whiny, complaining, bitching wife about my husband being gone and how much it sucks. I hate that I've become that. There should be no excuse for it because I often tell other spouses each place you go is what you make it.

The weather here is just so sucky again this year that we can't even go outside. I haven't spoken to Tony since he left other than one attempt at a skype call a few days after he left. We did spring recently for him to buy phone minutes for Zayden's birthday next week. Hopefully getting to talk to him so will cheer me up.

While I wouldn't change having 5 kids, having 5 kids by myself is not really hard, but quite repetitive. I feel like all I do is change poopy diapers. I do at least 4 a day between the 2 little ones. I'm going to potty train Zander just for a break of changing poopy diapers. lol The bigger kids are so far off the listening track that I don't know if they'll ever find it again. They know when I ask them something that I'm tied up with a baby or dinner or laundry or something so that I can't get up chase them down and force them to do what I asked so they just do NOTHING. I've tried reasoning with them and rewarding them and punishing them, but when I punish them it's really more of a punishment for me. (no TV, DS, whatever) Even spanking them hurts my hand more than their bum. I rely on that TV because that is the only way I can occupy them all at the same time so that I get anything done or take care of the baby. I hate the TV. I'm already planning for the summer to be get up, dressed (which they don't like to do now) watch TV until breakfast and then they each have to do 20/30 minutes of reading before they are allowed to do whatever they want.

I'm quite lonely here and don't get enough adult conversation in. People keep saying well just come hang out here. Sorry but I'm not going to just show up at someone's house with 2/3/5 kids in tow to hang out. I'm so glad my mom will be here in 23 days. Then I'll at least have someone to talk to and hold Abbie so I can get things done for the other kids when they need it. I did learn that another mom in the loop with one kid's hubby is deployed too so hopefully we can do some stuff this summer. I can totally say the winter is going to suck being here all by myself, but Stef is coming Sept and Dec and Mom is coming back in Oct-Nov so then I just have to make it to January.

Another friend with a deployed spouse commented that she hates wishing away time for her husband to be home. I feel like that all the time. While I'm so excited for him to come home I hate how fast the time with my kids is going. Zachary is almost 10 and Abbie is already 9 almost 10 weeks old. They are just getting so big so fast and I want to sit back and take it all in, but I feel like I'm just running around trying to pass the time until Tony returns. We certainly do have good times while he's gone, but they are surrounded by the same old survival routine. Maybe the weather will clear up once school is out so we can enjoy some outdoor activities.

Lost

I just feel lost. I miss my hubby and haven't been able to talk to him for several days now. I Lon for that part of every day. The brigade had their first loss this week so it's rumored that they are on a black out, but hopefully that is over now and I will hear from him tonight. Then there is Abbie. She is such a good baby I don't know if she is ok. She got a sunburn on Friday and has just been sleepy since. Then yesterday she was passed around at the baby shower so she was over stimulated. She hasn't been fussy just nursing less and sleeping more. Do I take her in just cause she is good and I don't know how to parent that? Lol. I have no real friends here as I learned last week so no one but me ever sees Abbie every day and no one else ever cares for her. I just am at a loss and I am in an emotional state cause I miss Tony. I just feel lost here all by myself. The kids aren't listening to me and I don't have help. I am working on more friends, but I just want to stay home and cuddle my princess. I just don't know if she is broken or not. I just keep praying for the knowledge to know and healing for Abbie's sunburn and anything else that may be wrong with her.

7 weeks old

Abbie is now 7 weeks old and she is getting so big. Today I put on a 3 month sleeper on her and she fills that out. She is still an excellent baby. She is sleeping a good 6-9 hour stretch at night and then every 2-3 until we get up. I can't decide if she's just that good or if it's because she's a girl. I must say if she wasn't so good I would be an absolute mess since the only time I get to put her down is when she sleeps. She loves to be held as do most babies. She usually just fusses a bit when she wants something not a full fledged cry. However she is up from her nap now and would like to eat so maybe I'll make it back later to update on the boys.

So flipping bored

I'm so bored. I've cleaned, played with the kids, watched tv, played on my phone, washed my car, fed the baby, changed the baby, got puked on by the baby. But I'm still so bored and missing adult interaction. This next 8 1/2 months is going to suck if I am this bored everyday. I just want my husband back and for us to be bored together. lol
And just like my last blog post all these little things going wrong. I feel like it's the devils way of trying to break me, but I'm still hanging on buddy. Yesterday the car wouldn't start. We know it's time almost for a new battery, but had been putting it off. I guess it is time for me to figure how to replace the car battery. I know it's not hard, but not what I wanted to do with my bored time. ;) Today when we went to get in the van the one door wouldn't open automatically. We checked the track and made sure there was nothing in the way, but it still would only open by hand. Which wouldn't be a problem normally, but that is the door that already has a broken lock.
I am slightly upset at myself because the kids wanted to do something nice for me today by cleaning my van since it didn't get cleaned yesterday at the church car wash. I told them they could do it today since it was supposed to be very warm. However I didn't feel like doing it, but I can't just turn them lose to do it themselves. So I ended up outside cleaning my car. Happy mother's day to myself.
I am thankful that Abbie is starting to take a passy. I am thankful that today Zander sat like a very nice little boy at church so we were able to sit through the sermon. I am thankful that my 3 big boys have good hearts and want to do things for me.
Days like today make me wish I was closer to home so I could hang out with my mom or sister.

I wasn't ready.

For this deployment. I feel like so many little things are going wrong that Tony usually takes care of for me or is at least around to help me with. Most of it is petty small stuff and so far God has answered all my prayers. However right now Abbie has the cold the boys had when Tony left and I am worried about her. While I think she will be fine the more I research the more I worry. I am praying for her and keeping a close eye on her. Tonight she and I took a bath and sat in the steam and since then she hasn't coughed. She isn't fussy and is quite pleasant. Peeing and pooping and eating like normal. However since we still don't have a birth certificate (another frustrating story) I can't just make the baby a dr appt. I have to take her to urgent care or the ER. I am going to take her either way just so that we don't have to take her over the weekend. I really think this is a waiting game as it took the boys about 8-10 days to run its course. I just need my husband. I wasnt ready for him to leave me. I can't say I ever would be. I feel like I am juggling and I have more balls than I can keep in the air. And I just don't have the support system I had last deployment and much more responsibility than last time. I just want a smooth deployment on this end and his as well. I really feel like my faith is being tested and I know I rely on God more when Tony is gone. So far God is rocking this for me if he could just heal my baby girl. Nothing else matters to me but my kids and I just want to be able to cuddle and love all 5 of them at the same time. While I am just one person all I want to do is be surrounded by my kids having fun and making positive memories to get through until daddy is back.

I survived week 1

only 37 1/2 left before he comes home. :)
I feel like it's been a good week. Kids have been ok, I've been ok, house is good. However it has been a bit difficult. Starting the week 2 boys had coughs, finishing the week 3 do. Zander and has had it pretty rough but I think he is teething in addition to the cold and runny nose. Zavier puked one day this week but was most likely caused by coughing. However he was nice enough to do it in the car. As I love puke in my car. I made it to bible study on Wednesday but I don't even feel like I was really there because I spent all my time quieting Abbie and Zander.
Today is Tony's 27th birthday and he is again spending another birthday away. I miss him and I wish I could celebrate his birthday with him. However when he is home we never have anyone to keep the kids so we still don't do anything. But he and I both know we'll get our time together as a couple when our kids are grown or almost grown and he's able to retire in 12 years. ;)
This week also marked 8 years he's been in the military. He left Zachary and I on 4/28/04 to go to basic at Ft. Sill. It will be nice to see the whole month reflected on the May pay check. He has worked super hard in his military career to get us where we are and he is today.
The hardest thing with him gone is I miss my best friend. We didn't start out that way, but we are now. I don't text him all the time at work, but I did get to text him pics when the kids were doing something cute and about once a week he would wake me up with an "I love you" text. Those are the things I miss most. I do have a friend that is filling in slightly but without the "I love you" text. However I don't want to bother her too much and sometimes I feel like I'm just bragging when I text pics of Abbie. I'm not, but I do certainly adore that little princess. ;)

tandem nursing

I have wanted to tandem nurse since I started having kids, but the opportunity didn't work out when I had my 2 close together in 05/06 because my 05 baby quit nursing before I was ready. My 20 month old quit when I was about 15 weeks and the milk ran out, but after a few days picked back up nursing or at least suckling once a day. Then when the colostrum came in he was all over that at about 27 weeks. People kept saying that I should wean him, but I didn't and I have been so glad about that over the last month. Baby was born on the first and by the time she was 8 hours old I had done my first tandem feed (since she was born at midnight. ;). 
My toddler has been so helpful in keeping my boobs from being overfull as I am an over producer. He nurses 1-3 times a day and fusses when I pump instead of nurse him. While I still choke and gag the baby with over-active let down, I must say she is handling it very well as compared to the other kids. I would let the others nurse to help empty my boob and as they had the desire to suck still and then they would spit up a ton. Having a toddler to empty my milk once or twice a day has made this a very easy transition. 
So I just wanted to say how much I am loving tandem nursing the two little ones and I love that it seems so normal and comfortable. And because I still overproduce milk I hope to donate the frozen breast milk to a baby needing some. I have about 50 oz frozen even after nursing 2. ;)

Gone

Well we left Tony on post this afternoon for him to head off to Afghanistan. He had to work this morning so I got the kids ready and we waited for him to come home. Then we hung out for about 45 minutes before loading everyone up to go get the "last meal". Tony wanted Wendy's so we had to go all the way to Lakewood since we had to take him to post at noon. When we got there they formed up and accounted for all those leaving today. I must say how sexy I find it when he's one of the soldiers walking around on the outside of the formation instead of in the formation like in the past. ;)
After that they had weapons draw and then were released until 1500. Being that it was only noon and we hadn't planned to be there long I opted for the kids and I to go ahead a leave him there and go home. I had wanted to see him get on the bus, but since he couldn't leave the area to go far there would have been nothing to do but either sit in the car or wander around outside in the cold. Tony let each of the boys hold his weapon and then we did the sad goodbye ritual. He hugged and kissed each of the kids before we loaded them into the car. Then we let Zachary take pics of us as we said our "goodbyes". He then teased me as my eyes teared up because I told him I wouldn't cry when I left him. However I have turned much more girly during my last pregnancy than in the past. However I just gave him a smile and I left him. He had already given up his phone's sim card so I can't call or text him. He can contact me through skype with wi-fi eventually.
I then drove the 30 minutes that seemed like forever home. I felt trapped in the car. We went over what Daddy's next steps were in getting to where he's going, but other than that the kids were quiet in the car on the way home. Once we got home I got back to my role of doing laundry and feeding Abbie.

Week 3

Attempted to post last week but got side tracked. Go figure. ;) Tony and I celebrated our 8th anniversary on the 16th. While it was the boys first day back to school after spring break didn't leave us much time but we were able to go out to lunch with the two little kids while the bigs were at school. We went to Five Guys which is a sandwich place. It was good and we had a nice time out with just the littles. Then we ran some errands in prep of deployment before heading back to grab the boys from school. Then it was also time for Tony to sign back in after his paternity leave. Tony went back to work on Tuesday so I got a slow ease into getting everyone to school on time. Tony is only on half days though so I haven't had to pick up the boys with both little ones in tow. Friday we let the boys skip school and we spent the day at the Puyallup fair since it was military get in free day. The boys had fun walking around and looking at the animals. We had lunch and then went into the kids exhibit before more food and heading home. It was a nice day after a day full of forecasted rain.
Today was another amazing day we spent together. Abbie and I ran out this morning for a haircut for me and a quick Walmart run. While walking through Walmart I spotted a good deal on a trampoline. Tony and I had been talking about getting something for the backyard for a while but were mostly thinking swingset. However when I saw the trampoline today I knew that was what would be perfect. I texted Tony the picture and asked what he thought. He agreed that would be perfect so back he went to Walmart after cooking some lunch on the grill. We then spent the afternoon putting together the trampoline which was quite simple. Then it was time to let the boys on. I know Zander isn't too fond of others jumping while he stands there but will let you hold him and jump. However the big boys know what they are doing so they then jumped until dinner and even for a while after dinner. I made lasagna as it was something Tony had requested before he leaves and it was delicious. We came in and bathed all 5 kids before they all passed out from exhaustion. I think the trampoline will help everyone fall asleep faster.
 Abbie is doing great. Nursing and growing like a champion. Everywhere we go people tell me how pretty she is. She sleeps great the first stretch of night and then she has a bit of trouble going back to sleep. Zander has been up several nights this week so mommy has been extra tired. Daddy did give me a little extra sleep this morning between feedings, only problem is Abbie likes to cluster feed in the mornings. As of now Tony will leave before the week ends so trying to make the most of his time here. Prayers please for safe travels for him when he does leave.

Week 1

and done. What a wonderful time I've had having this little precious girl. She is absolutely amazing. I didn't know what I was missing out on with only having boys. I wouldn't trade them for anything, but putting Abbie in her dress this morning was so much fun for Tony and I and to pick out her matching bow. She is my best baby so far and I thank God for that because I know I couldn't handle much more than I have going on right now with the 5 kids, my pain issues I am having and the impending deployment.
The big boys just can't ever get enough of Abbie and ask all the time if they can hold her. They don't get to hold her nearly as much as they would like since she's usually sleeping. I try not to disturb her when she is sleeping since I encourage baby sleeping. ;)
Zander however still thinks he should be allowed to nurse every time he sees Abbie nursing and he has been a great help to keeping my engorgement down. I'm still able to pump 8-10 oz every day in addition to nursing 2.  I do want to donate milk in the future. Every baby should have access to some boobie milk. :)
Zander for the most part just ignores Abbie and continues doing his naughty things. However he is seeking much more attention from mommy and since I have had a little trouble with excessive pain I'm not able to have him climb around on me all the time.
Today we had a great day spending Easter together as a family. We got up this morning. I made us our usual weekly bacon/egg/cheese breakfast sandwiches/bagels. Then we all got dressed and went to church. We got put in the overflow room, but it worked out wonderfully since we sat with my friend and her boys and then our crew of 5 now. :) The kids did well, but Abbie insisted that she was "bored" and wanted to nurse while we were there. Then we came home and I started our next meal. Ham, cheesy potatoes, rolls, and green beans with sausage. I napped with Abbie while Zander napped and then we ate together. We still haven't gotten to dye our Easter eggs, but they are boiled just cooling a bit before we start on those this evening.

I am so grateful that Abbie came before Easter so that we all got to spend her first Holiday together as a family.

The kids could feel it in the air before I knew what was coming. ;)

Abigail Katherine made her grand appearance just after midnight on April 1st. Quite the little jokester she is. I said she could be born as early as midnight on April 1st and well she barely held out. I wanted a little April baby and I got one by a few short minutes.
I say the kids knew it first because they all seemed to have a behavior change last week. Zander started being clingy and the others started being unruly. I didn't know why until Saturday morning when I woke up. I laid there and nursed Zander like every other morning. Contractions started while he nursed which had been common all week. Most days contractions died out before I even got the kids to school. However this day they didn't seem to stop. We got up, I made breakfast and then we all got ready to leave the house. While we had been planning a homebirth for a while now I didn't think she would be born during week 38 since everyone else was born during week 39, so I had put off the final parts for our homebirth like the hose, sink connector, and mattress cover. We leave and go to Lacey (about 30 minutes away) start out at home depot to get our hose and sink connector. Walking through the Home Depot store I continue to have contractions. I hadn't really timed them, but they are never more than 5 minutes apart. Then we run over to the dollar store and the bread store since we're all the way in Lacey. I run in both places.
I decide that I don't want to come sit at home and labor.  I had already done most of the last minute cleaning that I needed to do. I had cleaned the bathrooms, done a few loads of laundry, cleaned up the kitchen before we left. We ended up at target. We walked around looking for a little bit, but walking wasn't comfortable. I knew the contractions were pretty real by this point and weren't going to stop. I also started losing my mucous plug during one of my many bathroom trips in the Target. Wandering around became less fun so I said it was time to go. We went across the street and got Tony and the kids some food before heading home. Contractions hung at around 4 minutes apart all the way home. We got home and I continued on the remaining of my chores that I wanted done before the baby was born. Changed the sheets, made the bed, put together the fan that we got (since we didn't have one and I hadn't met up with anyone that I was going to borrow from) and continued on with my laundry. The more I did the closer contractions were, but I was still able to move through them. Finally mid afternoon I went to hang out in the bath tub to kill some time until April 1st. I stayed in there for about 2 hours while turning prunish. I then got out and being exhausted decided I would try to lay down. I laid there for a bit, but contraction weren't going to stop and continued to be 4 minutes apart while resting and on top of each other when I wasn't resting.
I ended up spending the next few hours watching TV. I contacted the midwife around dinner time to tell her that we were going to have a baby at midnight and if she would like she could show up for the gig. ;) I had texted her earlier in the day to let her know that I was contracting and had been for a few hours and that we could be having a baby that night.
Midwife arrived shortly after we put the kids to bed and started getting things set up. Zander had a hard time going to bed so Tony sat and rocked him a bit while the midwife, the assistant and the doula hung out up stairs preparing the room for birth. Zander finally went down quite reluctantly as if he knew what was going to happen to him. I continued to change positions to deal with the contractions that were pretty close together. The midwife got the tub set up and filled so that when I was ready I could get in. I watched the clock waiting for as close to midnight before I got in. They finally suggested that I get in, and that they would step out of the room for a little bit. Tony laid on the bed and I got in the tub. We hung out watching friends for a while before the others joined us back in the room. Unlike all my other labors having people apply pressure to my hips in different way during contractions helped take my focus off the contractions so every few minutes someone would have to apply different pressure to me.
Tony was my usual preference because I wanted to include him more than I had before during my other labors, but I was determined to tolerate this one better. I think it surprised him that I was dealing as well as I was which I think the best part was that I was able to do whatever I wanted that made me feel more comfortable.
Finally I was beginning transition. I was fearful to give into the desire to push because I knew that there was no going back and that baby would be coming out and that hurts. ;) I finally let my body do it on it's own because the midwife said I didn't have to push and I could rock the baby out as I needed and that whether I pushed or not she would come down and out on her own. I have never felt baby descend before during transition because I don't think I've ever focused so much on getting through them than just the ouch factor. Not saying that it wasn't horribly painful and I kept repeating that I was never doing this again (which I have said with delivery of Zavier and Zander ;).
Baby was finally down to the point where the only thing to get it over with was deliver her. I asked that Tony trade places with someone so that he didn't have to watch me push as it was not something he wanted to see. He wasn't leaving the room just not standing over me any more applying pressure during contractions. I pushed a few times and tried to not push at the same time and out came her head. Then it seemed like forever before the next contraction to deliver her shoulders and the rest of her. I delivered her on my knees facing the side of the tub so the midwife caught her and I lifted my leg over her to pull her out of the water. She had her cord around the back of her neck and around her arms, but not the front of her neck. This made it seem like the cord was quite short and so I had to lift myself up to get the cord unwrapped from her. I did then ask if anyone had seen that she was really a girl. And we turned her over so that we could check and she was still a girl.
The other thing that was nice during this delivery is that my cervix was never checked until I asked. I was totally allowed to go with what my body was doing on its own. I did have the midwife check me as I was preparing to push just to be sure I wasn't going to cause any damage to myself by allowing my body to push on its own. But it didn't really matter at that point as baby was out in about 5 minutes.
I did also ask after the head was out for someone to pull out the rest of the baby. It really did seem like forever before the next contraction came so that I could get her out. However no one did and I had to just wait. ;)
We sat in the tub for several minutes while we waited for the cord to stop pulsing. However I was ready to move on so the midwife cut the cord from the placenta and said when I contracted I could push and I did and it popped right out. They put it in a bowl and removed it from the tub. I then said I was ready to get out so I passed the baby off to Tony and got some Tylenol before I would leave the tub as after pains are almost just as painful as contractions. I got up and rinsed off in the shower while Tony hung out with baby. Then I got into our bed and laid there until Abbie was ready to nurse which wasn't long. Tony brought her over and we started nursing. She nursed for a bit while the midwife filled out some paperwork and the assistant and doula started on draining the pool and clean up.
The midwife came back upstairs to check baby and take measurements. Abbie peed on the scale when the midwife went to weigh her. She weighed 7lbs 11oz. The midwife had asked me what I thought she weighed and I guessed 8lbs so not far off. The midwife thought she would weigh a bit more, but she weighed her twice. She measured her head and a few other body parts and then her length. She was 19 3/4 inches. Daddy diapered her and then mommy dressed her and then I just laid in the bed holding her. I finally got up again to go to the bathroom so that the midwife could prepare to leave. Baby was good and mommy was good and daddy was good.
The midwife offered to hang if we wanted because Abbie's breathing was on the high end of normal, but I felt comfortable enough with Abbie that I said she could go. The midwife was staying in Yelm that night so I knew she wouldn't be far away if we changed our minds. We didn't and Abbie had a great first night getting plenty of sleep. Mommy only slept for about 2 hours because it is just hard to sleep after having a baby. Tony grabbed about 4 hours before the boys got up for the day.
We did wake Zachary up after everything was cleaned up so that he could meet Abbie since before he went to bed he said he wanted to. We didn't offer it to anyone else since Zayden shares a room with Zander and I  wasn't waking up Zander. ;)

Zavier was the first one up the next morning and I asked him if he wanted to come see Abbie. He wouldn't come close and instead left to "go back to sleep". He didn't he just came in later. Tony went to get Zander once he woke up. He was quite shocked to come in and find his baby sister nursing, he didn't like it and instantly reached down to take the boob out of her mouth. Then he just stared at her. Then when I put her back on the boob he got the other one and then he wouldn't look at her at all. Tony then took Zander and changed and dressed him for the day. Zander came back a few times to check out Abbie. Tony then took all the kids down stairs to feed them while Abbie and I took a nap.

Everyone takes a turn I guess...

This time it is Zachary. He seems to be having a lot of trouble keeping his behavior under control at school. He has become much more disrespectful and difficult at home, but now it's carrying over into school. It has been going on a few weeks, but now the teacher seems to keep calling me. I acknowledged that I know he's having issues mostly emotionally and finding ways to express himself with all the upcoming changes.
We are having a baby and Tony is deploying within the next 30 days. Baby first and then deployment very shortly after. I know he struggles the most when Tony leaves even though, he and Tony aren't super close and I'm still the one that cares for the kids all the time. But he still loves his dad and doesn't like when he's not around. I have explained that to the teacher and that he had issues with the last deployment and I pulled him from school that time.
I am trying to keep him in school this time, but I'm not going to make it if she's calling me all the time to tell me how much he's struggling there. He doesn't like to do his work and he's distractive. It is like he has just checked out of school. There are parts he is excited about like trying to get into the Highly Capable Program for next year and he started going to a deployment group a few weeks ago and he likes that.
I guess I will start out going into see if the counselor does one on one with the kids and if he could do that. I think he just needs an outlet of someone to listen to him. I think it is stress and anxiety related. He plays very much off me and he is unfortunately for him just like me and I am a wee bit stressed with a little high anxiety right now. I don't see this changing for him for at least the rest of the year, so hopefully we can get something worked out so that he can relax a bit and just be a 9 year old.
It is hard because I just want to save him. I just want to go get him and bring him home and spend time with him. But I can't and I want to him to also understand that sometimes we have to do things we don't like to do. He has been keeping his work log and homework a "secret" and saying he doesn't have it when he does. Which this morning earned him a week of being grounded from everything and a whole month from the DS. Which that is hard too because I know he feels like the whole world is working against him right now, but if we don't give him some discipline for lying who knows where that would lead.
I am also going to look into possibly some outside counseling, but I have no interest in medicating him because I think it is all stress and anxiety related and an outside ear will help him. These are some big changes and are tough on everyone especially a 9 year old.

Terrible toddlers.

My my what this toddler has turned in to. I read an article on Monday about changes in toddler behavior between about 18-21 months. Well that same day it kicked in with little Zander at 17 1/2 months. Nap time was crappy for 2 days and bedtime last night he was a pill. I know he lacks much communication he does have a handful of signs he can use to communicate. Guess we will have to look up some more signs to teach him. He does like to nurse still and he acts much better after some quality time with mom. He is overall much better for daddy. He loves to run to the door everyday looking for his dad. He has taken up hitting his brothers and making a horrible noise when he doesn't get what he wants which is often since he doesn't always know what he wants either. He better get his baby self together since he is going to have a sister in about 9-10 weeks.

Plus one

While I am still working on getting Zayden situated in a learning environment for him to thrive in, I am glad to see that I am not the only one that sees Zachary thriving this year. Not sure if he tested in or was nominated by his teacher, but he's able to apply for the Highly Capable Program through the school. Not sure what all in entailed other than a once a week after school service like project, but will certainly be following up and looking in to it.

This is slightly annoying

Periodically Zayden will come home with a paper or stack of papers labeled "not listening" or something else just as "informational". What the heck is the point of writing that on there and sending it home to me? All it tells me is he's either really distracted or totally bored and can't pay attention to what the goal is. I usually just blow it off after briefly expressing my disappointment.

I think I want

A homebirth. I looked it up more when Tony was going to deploy before baby was born so that I wouldn't have to leave Zander to go have a baby. However when we were racing the clock a bit I wanted an induction to be an option do that he could be there when his baby girl was born. It seems though now that we're pretty certain he will at least be here for delivery and possibly his 10 paternity days. Well the midwife that I contacted before contacted me this morning to check to see if I was still interested and I said no to begin with, but the more I think about it I do want to deliver at home. Deliveries are rather smooth and midwives are very well equipped today. I am totally scared to give birth because it is so painful. However I will be drug free either way. I have wanted one since I had Zayden but never had the support or the funds. Today I found the cost of the midwife here is totally reasonable and affordable for us. I do want to talk it over with Tony, but even he mentioned a few weeks ago how convenient it would be to deliver at home so we don't have to work out childcare for during the delivery. I do know he is wierded out if I was to deliver in our bed, but I don't have to. Hopefully he'll give me the ok to meet the midwife and see that she would fit for our delivery. This is something I would love to experience since this is my "last".

Finally got the call

from the Principal. He seemed to be in such a hurry to take care of this (eyeroll). We did have a snow week last week, but still today is Wednesday. I have already come to the conclusion that he doesn't like to deal with me after our encounter or lack there of in May.
He called and I explained the situation and how I didn't want it to happen again. He didn't have much to say other than that was out of the ordinary for that "teaching team" meaning the 1st grade teachers. He said that wasn't normal practice, possibly a few minutes to finish up a few problems. He did say that he would go down and talk it over with them.
I guess I'm satisfied because there isn't much to do after the fact and I really don't think this could be a reoccurring problem at least I hope not.
I am planning to e-mail the teacher to request a meeting with her. I don't feel like Zayden is being challenged at all and therefore is bored. I think that was part of Zachary's problem last year. He just didn't have enough of a challenge that he would often get in trouble for silly stuff like talking, being out of his seat, messing around.  And this year I feel like his teacher is really challenging him and I haven't had the same problems coming home as last year. Hopefully I can meet with her and make sure Zayden is having some sort of challenges besides "neat handwriting in reading".

Beginning to get ready for baby girl.

I'm slowly getting ready for Baby Girl's arrival. While many keep telling me I need all things new in girl colors, I'm not feeling it. While I do prefer she have mostly girly clothes, I don't want more towels, bibs, diaper bag, diapers. I have bought her newborn diapers (cloth) but they are mostly boy or gender neutral colors. Since she'll have clothes covering them I don't think it matters too much. I am having fun buying girl clothes, but I still haven't bought more than I will need. Even having 4 boys go through things some were hardly worn and since we're pretty sure she's the last I plan to get by on minimal stuff. I already feel like our house is busting at the seems sometimes just fitting in all 6 of us. And with no real plans to move...
We have got her a crib, Zander's old one and got him a different one. I rearranged the boys clothes so that Zander's stuff could go into one of the dressers we already have and baby will take the dresser that Zander used.  We have 2 bouncer seats, one for up and one for down. I kind of want a swing, but I'm afraid with a toddler and so many areas in the house that can't be seen from others I may not want to leave her in it. I'm planning to just wear her around all the time. lol It is the only way to keep her safe from some brotherly love. ;)
I did go through all I have bought so far to see what I still wanted since I had a 30% off to kohls and receive kohls cash for any purchases. I grabbed her another dress and 3 more newborn outfits so that between the 5 outfits, 3-4 onsies, and 8 gowns I should be all set for newborn stuff. Then for the next size up I have a few more. I am going to run to the goodwill on monday since it's 1/2 off all donated items and see if they have anything I need. lol
We have bought a few pink blankets and I decided I don't want a crib set, I'm just going to use a sheet that I got and one of the blankets for her bed set. I did get a new mobile so that she doesn't have to look at mickey mouse and the sporting equipment that Zander had. lol However what I got her isn't girly since I couldn't find one I liked that lit up with a remote that was girly.
We're going in a few weeks for a 3d/4d ultrasound. I hope we get some good pictures of her. While I feel like I have a long way to go, I know it's not really. I'm 27+ weeks now.

Zayden's "messy" work

This is the original work that was deemed sloppy by the reading teacher and that he didn't complete during class time. He completed this in the 25 minutes before lunch. (While I was with Zachary.)

Don't know where to start...

but let me find a place.
Today was one of those days that I knew was going to be a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day for Zayden. He's not acted like his normal self since school resumed on the 3rd of January. He has had more bad days than good. Today I knew was going to be a bad one. This morning he was playing around during breakfast and he knocked a glass jar off the counter. I got after him for playing around because last week he knocked off a box of legos. When I got after him he got a bit emotional and he usually doesn't when he just gets in trouble with no consequences. I should have known then he'd be better off today. While I'm still unsure of the adult side of the situation at school today I do know what I saw and how the day has appeared to my 6 year old.
Since it was a rough morning for him and Tony was off I decided to go into eat lunch with the boys. I get to the school a few minutes before Zachary's lunch and something made me want to walk down to Zayden's pod (group of classes) while I waited. So I did. I see him instantly sitting in the pod working on some work. I go over see what he's doing. He tells me it was not a good day and that he had to sit out there and finish this packet (7 pages). I tell him that it's ok and to just keep working on it. I'll be there to eat lunch with him after I go with Zachary.
I go off and leave him be and sit with Zachary during his lunch. Then Zachary wants me to walk back to his class with him so I do. Then I head back towards the lunchroom to meet up with Zayden. However when I see Zayden's teacher I've already figured out that he wasn't in the line. The teacher walks over to me and says that he's had a really awful day and week. I told her a bit about his morning and that I knew it was going to be rough. She tells me that he didn't do any work in reading this morning so she told him he couldn't go to lunch until he had finished the work from reading. I say ok and head down to where he is.
He is sitting there crying and I tell him it's ok and to stop crying cause he can't see through his teachers to work on his papers. He dries them up and gets back to working on the papers. When I see what he is doing it looks very much like what he was doing when I was down there 30 minutes ago before I had lunch with Zachary. I ask Zayden what he was doing and he says that he has to re-do this (8 page) packet before lunch. I pick up the other packet laying there and ask what it is. He tells me that it is work that has been deemed "messy" by his reading teacher. I look through the "messy" packet and do see some spots of messy work, but certainly not worth re-doing 8 pages. (They are writing pages where he writes letters on the top half, sentences on the bottom and then a few words on the back for him to write, nothing to read).
After about 10 minutes his teacher comes back from leaving the class at lunch. She looks over what he is doing and asked him what the packet that was just laying there was for. He says something about re-doing it because it's messy so she takes it and throws it in the recycling. The whole time he sat there he continued to keep working.
Eventually the recess bell rings meaning lunch is over and recess is to begin. He's still got about 2 pages left and he keeps going. He is a bit upset because now he knows lunch is over. He finally finishes the packet at 1:17. Lunch started at 12:45 and ended at 1:10 (I think on the ending). He takes it over to the reading teacher sitting in the pod eating her lunch. She says something about doing his work and then looks through the packet again commenting that it is sloppy. At this point what wouldn't be sloppy now that he has done 15 pages in about 75 minutes with no break. I'm tired just watching what he has done. I say nothing because I'm just observing.
He then goes into his room puts his pencil away and goes to find his lunch. He can't find his lunch because it was carried down with the lunch bucket. Lunch is over by this point for more than 10 minutes. He asks his teacher and she tells him to go check the lunch bucket. He heads down to check the bucket and gets his lunch. He not realizing lunch is over wants to go in to the lunch room to eat lunch. I tell him that lunch is over and that he can't go sit in there. The tables are all folded up.
I care no more about what he is supposed to be doing and take him to sit on the couch by the front door so that he can finally sit down to have lunch. He and I sit there while he eats. The recess bell rings and he's like that the bell. I just tell him to finish eating his lunch because I'm not leaving him hungry or without eating.
He finishes his lunch after the 25 minutes I gave him and we head back down to his class. He goes in to sit down with the other kids and the teacher tells him to go sit at his desk and work on something, I wasn't sure what. I stand there a few moments to make sure he's going to be ok, but I can't take much more so I know I should leave.
I head back to the office where I ask to see the principal, but he's not available. I give a short synopsis to the office person and ask if it's normal that kids have to miss their lunches to do work. She takes some notes and says that she will have the principal give me a call.
That is the story. I'll come back later to react and add some details.

Just keep trying...

I'm reading the new Duggar book and I am enjoying reading it. It is so encouraging and positive to read. I love large families and I love that they are sharing the dynamics of theirs and how they make it look like it's running so smooth. While I'm sure they have moment when there house isn't running smooth or there house is over run my mess and total chaos, they make it look so easy on TV. I've been trying to use her not yelling idea and to speak to my kids in a soft tone. To work on my patients when speaking and dealing with the kids, but mine seem to have no idea how to listen to a person talk in a normal voice.
I attempted this with all the boys last night and while I was able to do it with the younger 3, Zachary wasn't having it. He was going to disobey over and over to see how far I would go. I must say I made it through without hurting him but he did have to have several timeouts to make it through. I am going to work on behavior jars this week and hope that we can keep up with them enough to cut out some of the yelling and fighting it takes to get the boys to obey.
I didn't do so well with Zavier today as he has already been in time out 3 times today. While I don't mind putting them in timeout, Zavier won't even stand appropriately and so when I'm trying not to spank or yell that make it very difficult.
 Zander isn't doing well either, because no matter how busy I keep him he still finds time to get in trouble. Then Zavier gets in trouble for hurting Zander for being a toddler and it's just a not pretty cycle. For the moment Zander is on my lap combing his hair and Zavier is watching TV peacefully for a few minutes.
And my attitude was so excited this morning.

I woke up in a good mood and everyone did most of what they were asked without many reminders and then it started.

Tony's parents sent a card for Zavier's birthday, a walmart gift card and a "family" check for Christmas. It came the day Tony was  sleeping after working a 24 hour shift and so as to not get in a fight about it, I had held off on talking about it. While there isn't much to talk about overall, I don't want the check. We are doing so well financially right now and are headed into an even better place in the next 30 days, we just don't need it. We're going to be completely debt free in less than 40 days and I want to do it on our own since we worked so hard paying off the van in Feb of last year. I don't know his parents financial situation and it isn't my business, but I know we're not in need. Well this morning as we were texting about the gift card since we buy all cash and gift cards from our kids and put the money into their savings. I was just making sure he didn't want the card for anything in particular cause I was needing a few items from walmart.
However this morning when I went to the car, I noticed that the envelope from the ILS was misplaced slightly from the last time I saw it. No one else drives my car and my kids don't mess with stuff in the front seat. They are in such a hurry to get out of the car that they barely remember their own stuff. I picked up the envelope and looked inside the huge hole that the post office tore in the envelope and the check had magically disappeared. Gift card was still there as was the card from the envelope.
I can only assume that Tony took it and while it is his. I don't want it and I don't want the money spent by us. He doesn't need it and he ruins all that I wanted to do for him when we get to be debt free next month. I am heavily considering not buying him the laptop he needs to deploy and turning into a super bitch over this. I am tired of him doing this shit behind my back and treating me like a fucking idiot. The whole I didn't take it, did you look on the seat, etc...it's all bull shit.
 I was so happy with him today and for the last few weeks. We've been communicating well and working well together and now it's not the same. I'm not sure what he is claiming happened to the fucking check, but it didn't walk away and I never even took it out of the envelope. I hope he enjoys letting this stupid fucking money ruin what was going so well, because I don't by the bull shit that it just up and walked away.
It is things like this that keep me from wanting any relationship with his family for me and the kids. He acts like a little fucking child whenever anything to do with them comes up and it is highly unattractive at all. While he has being the man down in most situations in our lives he can't get over the "money gifts" from mommy.
So I guess I should be careful of people breaking in my car now to steal a check and leave a gift card. Seems logical.

Bonding with an unknown

I feel so weird trying to bond with this baby. I know she is in there, but I have no idea what it is like to have a girl. Will she be just like her brothers? Will she be girly or just another "boy" at our house? I also don't feel 100% on her name so while I do call her by her name, I'm just not sure that is her name. What if it's not her name? Tony is sure that is what her name is and he just keeps pushing it on me. While I like the name and can't think of another one to call her or give her I'm just not sure of her name. I do know that we won't be sharing her name until she is born and then I can see her and be sure that is her name. You know maybe she'll be born with a birth certificate like a cabbage patch baby. Even though the cabbage patch kids name suck.
She is a very active little bean and is always moving in such circles. At 26 weeks she has about 2-3 active periods a day where she just kicks, moves and squirms. She is big enough now that my belly jumps as she moves around and Tony, Zayden and Zavier have all got to feel her on the outside. Zachary wasn't interested when the others got to feel and Zander is still quite oblivious to the baby. I do talk with Zander all the time about his sister. I don't bother her in my belly like I did with the boys. I used to poke at them to get them to move and with her I don't bother her. She is so good at being so active during the day that I don't feel like I have to. I can usually pin point her last active session so I worry less.
Yesterday baby and I had our glucose test, so hopefully that will come back alright. She didn't over react to the drink like some babies do. She did wake up about half way through rearranged herself and then seemed to go back being still.
I have moments that I'm sad that she is the last. However there is no guarantee she'll be the last, but I'm ok being done now. Our car is full and we'll probably have to upgrade in a year or so anyway so that I don't have to risk safety to fit everyone in the car.