Circling

I feel like I am running circles around people and their friend groups. I keep trying to branch out and try to get new friends and it just isn't working. I am still invisible. Not sure where to go from here but praying something good comes along. Mom will be here Sunday so that will be at least some adult conversation for a while.
I have just grown so much since Tony and I started dating almost 11 years ago. He is truly my best friend. I can say anything to him and know he's on my side everytime except against him. ;) I love him as a parent to our kids. He has grown so much as a parent since we had Zachary 9 1/2 years ago. We were just at such an awesome place before he left. Life was in a very perfect place with the addition of Abigail. I feel like I had just fallen into my role as Tony's wife and not the head of the house. I am so happy as his wife and mother of his 5 beautiful children. Tony is such an amazing husband and father. 2 months down another 7 to go until he's back home with me and his kids.

Harder than I thought

My oh My 5 is harder than I expected. Keeping Abbie fed every few hours while trying to keep the other 4 busy, fed, and carted around as needed is quite the challenge. I know my mood totally affects how the day is going to go. Today started rough because Zachary didn't realize that he still had school today, so he was grumpy. Then I went to the grocery store to pick up the on sale items from the ad. I dropped the big boys off for their last day of school and then headed to the store. They have been riding the bus since Tony left in April to make things easier for me. However when we got to the store we went in and I put Zander in the front of the cart, Abbie in her carseat in the back, and was going to have Zavier walk. I started at the milk which was located in the back of the store. However when we got back there I then realized why Zavier had asked to ride in the cart, he wasn't wearing shoes. AWESOME! So then I tossed him in the cart too, squeezed in the groceries and got the heck out of there. 

Went to the Post office and mailed off Tony's 6th box (2nd this week). I want to keep it at about a box a week so that he should be getting plenty of mail. Right now I am the only one sending him packages and after being overseas (which isn't the same as a deployment) I certainly know the value of something to look forward too. Wanting to keep his spirits up since this is a much more active deployment than the last.

I am still trying/hoping to get the rest of the garden planted soon. It's not going very well as I have only got 2/5 plants planted. Abbie doesn't let me get much outside time and since I got her sunburned last month I won't be taking her with me. I got out today with a bit of fussing from her to get the front flower bed sprayed for weeds and I cut the lavender bush up because it was ugly. I think when you go to rent your house out if you must have so many flower beds you should pay someone to care for them. Sometimes you'll get a tenant that likes them and can maintain them, sometimes you'll get one like me. I hate the maintenance on the yard. I just can't get out to do it. Others keep telling me they'll do it, but so far the only thing to be done is the front mowed by the new neighbor. I don't expect it from people, but I need help. I think I am going to just break down and ask the guy team at church for someone to come and do it and I can pay. I'm ok paying anyone $20-$30 twice a month, but no more than that.

I'm quite lonely out here. I don't really have many friends out here because the area is so big and the people here seem quite wrapped up in themselves. My one good friend is heading to Ft.Sill this month so that will suck. We hung out about once a week and she is 1. a large family, and 2. has kids the same age almost as each of my 4 boys. It makes me wish we were moving east. Next summer can't come soon enough as I am ready to move on from this place. The weather does seem like it may finally stay nice, but it is June 15th already so we've been ready for a while. I think the weather has been bringing me down too. I certainly feel better with the windows open with some fresh air flowing through the house.

Got a busy day tomorrow so we'll have some down time in the morning and then in the afternoon we'll head off to our first event and then follow that up with bible study in the evening. I am liking the bible study and enjoying visiting with others.

I am off to night to start getting everyone ready for bed. All but Abbie were bathed after playing in the sprinkler today and I am very exhausted so an early bed time would be fine by me. :)

I've become that wife

That whiny, complaining, bitching wife about my husband being gone and how much it sucks. I hate that I've become that. There should be no excuse for it because I often tell other spouses each place you go is what you make it.

The weather here is just so sucky again this year that we can't even go outside. I haven't spoken to Tony since he left other than one attempt at a skype call a few days after he left. We did spring recently for him to buy phone minutes for Zayden's birthday next week. Hopefully getting to talk to him so will cheer me up.

While I wouldn't change having 5 kids, having 5 kids by myself is not really hard, but quite repetitive. I feel like all I do is change poopy diapers. I do at least 4 a day between the 2 little ones. I'm going to potty train Zander just for a break of changing poopy diapers. lol The bigger kids are so far off the listening track that I don't know if they'll ever find it again. They know when I ask them something that I'm tied up with a baby or dinner or laundry or something so that I can't get up chase them down and force them to do what I asked so they just do NOTHING. I've tried reasoning with them and rewarding them and punishing them, but when I punish them it's really more of a punishment for me. (no TV, DS, whatever) Even spanking them hurts my hand more than their bum. I rely on that TV because that is the only way I can occupy them all at the same time so that I get anything done or take care of the baby. I hate the TV. I'm already planning for the summer to be get up, dressed (which they don't like to do now) watch TV until breakfast and then they each have to do 20/30 minutes of reading before they are allowed to do whatever they want.

I'm quite lonely here and don't get enough adult conversation in. People keep saying well just come hang out here. Sorry but I'm not going to just show up at someone's house with 2/3/5 kids in tow to hang out. I'm so glad my mom will be here in 23 days. Then I'll at least have someone to talk to and hold Abbie so I can get things done for the other kids when they need it. I did learn that another mom in the loop with one kid's hubby is deployed too so hopefully we can do some stuff this summer. I can totally say the winter is going to suck being here all by myself, but Stef is coming Sept and Dec and Mom is coming back in Oct-Nov so then I just have to make it to January.

Another friend with a deployed spouse commented that she hates wishing away time for her husband to be home. I feel like that all the time. While I'm so excited for him to come home I hate how fast the time with my kids is going. Zachary is almost 10 and Abbie is already 9 almost 10 weeks old. They are just getting so big so fast and I want to sit back and take it all in, but I feel like I'm just running around trying to pass the time until Tony returns. We certainly do have good times while he's gone, but they are surrounded by the same old survival routine. Maybe the weather will clear up once school is out so we can enjoy some outdoor activities.